Cancel Your Pets

[Macho Masc Sangy Savage]

Pets, ugh. Come into your home, eat your food, provide slightly conditional love. Sooner or later, the deception fails and you see them for the jerks they really are.


Starting with this smug butthole, Ferdinand. Besides sending incomprehensible messages to people on discord and QA testing Tabletop Sim while I'm using it, this floofy dongus is so prissy when sharing the bed. I move just a little bit, and suddenly he hates the vibes I'm throwing, mrrrps, and leaves in a huff.



But little does he know I've been laying awake in bed for five hours now, and he's flipped around so many times I've had to chase out no less than six Olympic judges.



BUSTED ASSHOLE

Anyways, post your pets and their many, many crimes.

[GirlKisser420]

biscuit quit being a fuckin freak and attacking my feet when theyre in bed, just because I got a sheet on me doesnt mean they're suddenly disconnected from me.

[xdaringdamselx]

don't be fooled by his adorable floofiness, he's a grumpy old man who likes to wake me up at the crack of dawn looking for his can food by jumping on my chest and knocking the wind out of me at 7AM

he's learned I don't like it when he scratches my furniture to wake me up (that means he gets spritzed with water), so this is his new strategy

[Lumbermouth]

This little wiggly idiot isn't content with us catering to his every whim 90% of the time and will often just stand in place whimpering for no apparent reason. Well jokes on you, you whiny little dipshit, I buy your food!

[The Killer Dynamo]

Vince (left, black): bacon thief, sink-surfer, keeps breaking small ceramic plant pots because he likes to dig in the dirt until he knocks them over, continually targeting jalapeno seedlings because "it burns so good, Mother."

Howard (right, black and white): photogenic Big Chungus, refuses to go around curtains and instead uses his claws to try to make his own slit, has decided the best way to wake up Mother and thus get breakfast early is to move around the bedroom and find things to knock over, harass, fiddle with, and destroy.

Both of them busted in on me in the bathtub last weekend and scared four years off my life.

[Antivehicular]

Rosemary, you complete moron, what the hell are you trying to do here? Start a catfight while I'm lying in bed with you two dipshits??

(NARRATOR: There was a catfight while Anti was lying in bed with the two dipshits.)

[ham burger]

my horrible cat has taken to meowing at a constant once a second cadence for ten to fifteen minutes at a time, and she is awful, and i am furious at her

the problem, unfortunately, is that at night as soon as i lay down she crawls on top of me, curls up and passes out purring like the world's best weighted blanket and thus i am stuck loving and adoring this horrendous creature until the end of time

[DykeDastardly]

This is Tiny, the wretched weasel dog who slipped out of her collar and spent at least a half hour hiding under the deck. It was raining. I was covered in mud. She was covered in mud. The nice man who offered to climb under the deck and scare her out so that I could catch her was covered in mud. My ass is still soggy, but she has immediately returned to her regular deceptively adorable self.