Ah, it's good to be back!
First off, I know this is going to keep being brought up, so I might as well state it here: Don't worry about why I was gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not offended that people asked about it. I'm sincerely flattered and touched to see that total strangers were concerned about me during my hiatus. But don't worry too much about it. I'm not dying or anything! So just let me be the sad clown that I am and let me dance for your amusement. I will say that no, I was not mad at anyone in the podcast or vice versa, and no episode topic drove me offline. Your buddy Portaxx is way stronger than that, kids! Just clearing that up since I don't want any arguments consisting of "why'd you go?" "F U DON'T BOTHER HER," heh. I'm back and that's all that matters. Ever. In the whole world.
Secondly, this episode gives me a chance to talk about something I've seriously been wanting to discuss for years but haven't been able to, for reasons that'll become quite apparent in this very post. And what might that be?
SHIT YOU DEAL WITH WHEN YOU POST ART ONLINE
Yes, I completely identified with Lauren Faust's plight when she got hassled by creepers in that material. That crap that happened to her happens very Very VERY VERY often. In fact, I've been dealing with it for many years myself. And while I doubt I'll ever get into all gritty details, I figured I should illustrate (har har) what kind of things an artist can go through.
"PORTAXX, I MADE MY OWN GALLERY! WHAT ARE SOME THINGS I CAN EXPECT?!"
Why, I'm glad you asked, me! Based on my experiences, here's a list of what you can look forward to:
- People asking for porn: In other words, "HI I MASTURBATE TO FAT SHEEP FALLING OFF A CLIFF!! XD WHAT DO YOU CHARGE??": What's that? You have no porn of any kind on your site? You don't even mention porn on your commissions page? That's fine! You'll be asked about it anyway! You may wonder why a person would blurt out their kinks to a total stranger just for the teeny tiny chance of porn when there are so many other artists out there who will gladly fulfill their request or even give it away for free. The answer is: internet. Which brings us to...
- People introducing themselves by telling you their fetish: Or "HI I LOVE YOUR STUFF! I MASTURBATE TO FAT SHEEP FALLING OFF A CLIFF BY THE WAY! ANYWAY GOODBYE!!!!": This happens all the fucking time. People assume that enjoying your work means they are obligated to contact you and give you status updates on their genitals. If I had to guess, I'd say they were folks whose own little internetty social circles introduce themselves this way, and they honestly have no idea that "I'M JERKIN'!" isn't a valid substitute for "hello!"
- Strangers falling in love with you and trying to date you: Or "I've watched your work for years! I dream of the day we can meet! I want to take you out sometime :3" "... who the fuck are you?": I understand this to a degree. Sure, I'm not a real celebrity, but if I'm entertaining someone and I'm well-known to any degree, then it can have the same effect on a person. I've seen harmless versions of this behavior. But I've also seen ultra-mega-stalky-creepy behavior too. I have been asked out on internet dates, and the would-be suitor's preferred location has almost always been a MUCK. I have had people make a long list about all my oh-so-delightful qualities, none of which lined up with reality (seriously, you love how I "only have sweet, kind things to say" to people? Have you SEEN the awful shit I inflict upon the other readers?) I have had strangers fall in love with a version of me that doesn't exist, only to become enraged when they find out I don't match their weird headcanon... and then I somehow find out after the fact. And yes, it's all because I drew some pictures. I know this because it's among the first things these people bring up.
- People demanding porn: or "IF YOU DON'T DRAW THIS I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE, BITCH!": Oh well in that case I'll TOTALLY draw all the fat sheep falling off a cliff you want!
- *fucking asterisk actions*: or *FLUFFLES YOUR HAIR AND POUNCEHUGGLES YOU MEEP MEW MEW O_O :3c*: It's never a teenager. The person will be at least 20 years old. And no, they will absolutely not notice that you aren't responding with silly roleplay bullcrap of your own. They'll keep doing it no matter fucking what. And it's always a furry. No, that's not bigotry. It's just scientific fact. If furrykind can get together and pass a law stating that anyone who does this to random folks gets catapulted into the next solar system, I'd be very much obliged.
- People informing you as to which one of your pictures they jerk it to: or "OMG I looove your work! This fat sheep you drew is so sexy! Especially when it's falling off a cliff! I uploaded it to the Yankin' It To Fat Sheep Falling Off A Cliff Mailing List and everyone loved it too! :DDD": Thanks, I'm glad the silly art I did for a friend's birthday aided you in your sexual dysfunction. I'm even more glad that you fucking told me all about it!
- People asking what your friends' fetishes are: or "So it looks like you know This Other Person! Are they into fat sheep falling off a cliff too? Think you could introduce me if so? :)": At this point you may be wondering why I haven't become a serial killer. And at this point, I'm wondering the same thing myself.
- People demanding art for free: or "So like, can you draw my avatar for free? Incidentally his name is IHaveSoManyStupidLittleDetailsIt'dMakeTetsuyaNomuraPukeUpALung!... no? WHY NOT???": Depending on the situation, I'm not at all opposed to giving out free art. I do it a lot, actually. But it depends on who's asking, what they want, and why they want it. I will draw Lemon basically anything he wants, because I know he usually needs it for some project. Plus he once pulled me out of that out-of-control train right before that time bomb's clock hit 0, so y'know. I can't really draw some stranger's goofballicious character for free for no reason. And oh boy, will people ever get mad when they don't get their requests fulfilled. This will happen to you at least once. If it only happens once, then you are the luckiest artist in the world, because holy shit. Similarly, be prepared for random people to ask you to do insane things like "animate an entire 30-minute pilot for my cartoon series" without pay. Because, like, you need to "believe in the project, maaaan." Yeah, I've done free art for projects I believed in, but I had a reason to believe in them, asshole. I've also done my fair share of requesting free work for certain projects, but thanks to stuff like this, I always preface it with about 73 paragraphs of "but if you don't want to, that's fine!!!" I probably end up sounding like the most insecure, neurotic weirdo ever. Which I am, but they don't need to know that.
- People trying to trick you into drawing porn: or "Can you draw a fat sheep falling off a cliff... AS A JOKE??": Holy fucking mother of fucking fuck-hell, I fucking can not stand this. It's creepy as shit. And this happens all the goddamned time. Popular excuses are "oh I'm just fascinated by this stuff!", "I just think it would be fun!", and yes "It's just a funny joke!" Really? REALLY? A cat-man inflating like a balloon is a joke?? What the fuck, do you think I'm going to buy that?! Even if I wasn't in this podcast, my god, a human being can tell the difference between "JOKE" and "NOT A JOKE." What, do you go to open mic night and say "so yeah... WOMEN BEING TURNED INTO SHARKS AND THEY REALLY DON'T LIKE IT!... Amirite??"? Fuck off, you sick bastards. There's something to be said about the kind of person who tries to coyly trick you into participating in their masturbation sessions. Especially if they're doing it because they assume you'd decline if you knew what the situation really was. And ESPECIALLY if they're that goddamned inept at it. Oh, you won't draw their SFW porn? That's cool! They'll just track down your friends and try to trick them instead! Oh, and they'll namedrop you when they do it, too! Even though you turned them away!
- THE BARGAINING, OH MY GOD THE BARGAINING: or "oh my god I just wanted to post art please just end my suffering": Now, say you decline someone's request. Assuming they don't fucking flip out on you and try to ruin your life over it (see below), they will bargain with you. "So, you won't draw a fat sheep falling off a cliff? Okay, how about a chubby goat falling off a pyramid? How about a sheep standing on a cliff and eyeballing a giant cake? How about a sleepwalking sheep visiting the Grand Canyon? How about a cotton ball teetering on the edge of a table?" FUCKING STOP IT. Oh, you work with other artists? Great! Now the creeper can muscle in on your projects and ask THEM about drawing fat sheep falling off a cliff! Hmm? Your friends don't want to even discuss what levels of SFW porn are acceptable because they don't want to talk about SFW porn at all? Hahahhahaha fuck you, if CreepySheepLuvr78 wants to talk about it, he'll make sure it's discussed! But don't you worry, because CreepySheepLuvr78 is also under the impression that the world works as a set of very specific stats. If you say a swear word, he'll graciously remind you that swearing isn't work-safe either and that as a result, you have no excuse to NOT honor his porn request. And at this rate, you'll be fucking swearing every other goddamned word because HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FUCKING INTERNET.
"PORTAXX, THAT'S SOME CRAZY SHIT! WHY DON'T YOU IGNORE THESE PEOPLE??"
Many times this does work. However, many other times they will not take a hint. And when they don't take a hint, they definitely fucking follow you. Many years ago, there was one particular dude who would pester me about SFW porn (AS A JOKE OF COURSE) and I ignored him. Years went by, and he seriously tracked me down on a completely unrelated website and registered for a fucking account just to talk to me.* After about two sentences swearing that it was all a cuh-razyyy coinky-dink that I happened to be on that site too, he immediately jumped into "... so ready for my commission finally? X3" And that's probably the most tolerable incident. Many times it's much, much worse. All because they saw your art, liked it, and hoped to jerk off to it. Or jerk off to it more, depending on the case.
"PORTAXX, THIS IS STUPID! JUST TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF!"
Ohh, how I wish I could. This could be a post in and of itself. But long story short, denying a person anything online can get you into a shitstack of trouble. I'm talking about threats, stalking, shadowy smear campaigns, OVERT smear campaigns, harassment of your friends, calls to your ISP, baseless accusations, really hilariously stupid attempts at framing you for hacking, and just generally massive clusterfucks. And yes, all of these things have happened to me over the years. It is goddamned unreal how crazy internet people can be, trust me. And that's why you can't even really discuss these things in most places. If I were to post this to a blog, I'd run the risk of getting a huge flamewar and demands for me to apologize for my bigotry. I'd probably hear "but I do that! Are you saying I'm creepy?!" and "but my friends do that all the time and I don't see a problem with it! Ergo you're wrong!" Nothing would change, nobody would learn anything, and suddenly I'd have a massive headache. It's just not worth it. But since I'm now going to try to turn the ballpit into my own personal Tumblr, I figured eh, might as well post this!
So, to recap, this is what being an online artist is like: You post your work online. Lunatics pester you. You can't really tell them to go the fuck away because they might explode Crazy-Aid all over you and your friends, but if you ignore them, they assume they're BFFs with you and will make sure you get a play-by-play of what mischief their sexparts are up to.
That said, OMG ART TRADE ANYONE? XD
* Before you ask, no, it's not this site.