ballp.it
Projects => The F Plus => Topic started by: Lemon on April 14, 2013, 08:54:03 pm
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NOTE: For those of you waiting for the 100th Episode Spectacular, please be aware that this is episode #101.
Many people would agree that monkeys, by and large, are pretty cute. This is why they make popular zoo attractions, popular designs on t-shirts, and popular themes in nursery gear. Because we like looking at monkeys, they're a lot like us. But not so much like us that we'd consider adopting one and raising it like it was our own child. Well... most of us wouldn't do that.
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I've got to say, I love that Thanks Montrith is now a tag. She has certainly earned it. She is like some sort of F+ paratrooper, diving into the mire of the internet, clubbing it over the head with the butt of her giant Finish knife, and dragging it back to the rest of us before collapsing triumphantly as the rest of us gape at her latest trophy.
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Oh dear.
I like that the same hunter-gatherer comparison was made back on my old snark community in the good days--there's just something about the act of finding material that fits exactly to that primal level, from grappling with the document to the cheers of the tribe when you drag home fresh meat.
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Hey Lemon? Remember that list you have about "Accents the Fplus Can't Do"?
Might as well add Italian there.
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What are you talking about? STOG has a two accents!
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I can't for the life of me imagine why the readers decided to use southern accents so much in this episode!
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This is a weird coincidence! I was just reading about Travis the killer chimpanzee (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Travis_(chimpanzee)) and wondering why anyone would possibly want to own a ferocious, intelligent beast!
Fake edit: Holy hell, how can so many people fall for this scam?
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I can't for the life of me imagine why the readers decided to use southern accents so much in this episode!
Isfahan, April 15, 2013, 05:15:28 pm
ha! Yes, it is a mystery. I grew up in a neighborhood (in the South) without restrictions, which meant all sorts of crazies had all sorts of crazy pets. Usually it was big cats. For a good deal of my childhood there was a lion in a cage in the backyard four houses down. He roared the most in the morning. That was my favorite of the crazy pets. We had all kinds of rumors we spread about him escaping and eating things like newborn puppies.
But back on topic, I just keep thinking about the IKEA monkey and his sweet little coat and how much those people probably loved him, bless their crazy hearts.
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If you're curious about what the aftermath of a pet monkey attack looks like, here you go!
http://www.petmonkeyinfo.org/testimonials.htm (mildly graphic pictures)
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I can't for the life of me imagine why the readers decided to use southern accents so much in this episode!
Isfahan, April 15, 2013, 05:15:28 pm
ha! Yes, it is a mystery. I grew up in a neighborhood (in the South) without restrictions, which meant all sorts of crazies had all sorts of crazy pets. Usually it was big cats. For a good deal of my childhood there was a lion in a cage in the backyard four houses down. He roared the most in the morning. That was my favorite of the crazy pets. We had all kinds of rumors we spread about him escaping and eating things like newborn puppies.
But back on topic, I just keep thinking about the IKEA monkey and his sweet little coat and how much those people probably loved him, bless their crazy hearts.
fruit power, April 15, 2013, 06:19:01 pm
I didn't grow up in north america, but in the second house our family lived in we were just a few houses down from one with a guard tiger.
Y'know, like a guard dog. But a tiger. Poor thing was just chained (with a long chain, to be fair, so it had at least some roaming space) to a tree in the front yard, and it looked at you if you got too close to the gate. Our family used to throw it food sometimes.
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That's pretty metal. Did it actually ever have to do its guard duty?
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Well, if I ever need to make a quick buck I now know of a group of people who will throw their money at you if you say "monkey"...
Also have to say that Backalley Dave is my new favorite hypothetical character.
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Also have to say that Backalley Dave is my new favorite hypothetical character.KingKalamari, April 15, 2013, 07:51:03 pm
I was stationed with Back-Alley Dave. Dude always had walking-around money.
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I just learned that I cannot listen to this episode while sober. Unless it's that lady on whom God had tured his back. For some reason, the suffering of the people is hilarious.
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"I'll take care of yer monkey problem for yeh. Fifty bucks, upfront."
(http://i.imgur.com/10g77mY.png)
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The best part is that back in the 50's you could actually buy monkeys by sending away for those ads in the back of comic books. Wiretap did a story on that a month or two ago.
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I spent a good part of this episode laughing sadly
I think exotic pets are really cool as long as you know how to, you know, take care of them
Animal neglect on any level's a sad thing but there's an extra level of sad to a creature being imported halfway around the world only to have half its teeth knocked out
just collect plushies instead you broken and stupid people
But still the woman talking about her depression not being fixed by a monkey was like a horrifying glimpse into my own future, I mean that is me 20 years down the line- crying to the internet surrounded by empty beer cans and animal poop
Also I drew a thing (http://transatlanticalienart.tumblr.com/post/48078961579/oh-my-god-so-awful-but-so-funny)
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Is episode 100 on delay until you can figure out how to wrap a podcast completely in [clingfilm]?
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This episode angered me a lot. I'm for animal welfare and why the fuck would you take away a monkey from it's mother at 2 weeks old. And at the person that nearly got that poor monkey's mouth removed because it was frustrated that her owner was trying to force her to be a human.
Overall this episode made me feel sad that stupid people keep buying animals they can't care for. Especially monkeys since they are easily traumatized.
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Thank you, Al and Alien, as soon as Back Alley Dave started talking I started wanting fanart. Glorious.
While the animal abuse parts are hard to listen to, this is definitely being filed under "Things That Make Me Feel Better About My Place In Life". Usually when I worry about money, I console myself that I don't have any credit card debt. Now I can put a further shine on it by consoling myself that I'm not nearly two thousand bucks in the hole purely from buying monkey dresses.
My personal level of "things I'd like to have but don't have the capacity in my current situation to take care of" goes like this, in escalating order of difficulty:
Dog
Ferret
Aquarium
Boyfriend
Marine aquarium
I don't know how anyone's reasoning can not only shoot a monkey to the bottom of that list, but believe that it would help with their situation. Who the hell self-medicates with a fucking wild animal?
I have to go watch a bunch of Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet now. Maybe that one where the idiot was teasing their "pet" lion or wolf or similar large predator by offering it meat and pulling it away and lost an arm in the process. Shit, man, you don't even do that with dogs.
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This is what wild animals do. They are not pets. They don't even want you taking their picture!
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/fisherman-killed-beaver-belarus-article-1.1314673
" Belarussian fisherman was savagely bitten by this beaver after going up close to try and take its picture. The beaver severed an artery and the unnamed victim reportedly bled to death."
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Now, some people would be perfectly happy to be beavered to death.
reckon you can punch me for that one but SOMEONE was gonna say it gdi
ETA: good God what a 500th post
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I have to admit this is one of those episodes where I find it hard to believe you guys weren't making up half this shit. It's just.
It's just what the fuck.
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Question time! You are a person who owns a monkey. For some reason, you really, really want to get another monkey. However, you are lacking the funds to purchase and provide for the needs of said new monkey. What should you do?
a) Forget the whole thing and concentrate on taking care of the animal you already have
b) Start saving up until you have enough to buy a monkey and to take care of it
c) Go to every single bank you know and beg them to lend you a few thousand dollars for a monkey
Guess which option Lia choose?
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Question time! You are a person who owns a monkey. For some reason, you really, really want to get another monkey. However, you are lacking the funds to purchase and provide for the needs of said new monkey. What should you do?
a) Forget the whole thing and concentrate on taking care of the animal you already have
b) Start saving up until you have enough to buy a monkey and to take care of it
c) Go to every single bank you know and beg them to lend you a few thousand dollars for a monkey
Guess which option Lia choose?
montrith, April 15, 2013, 11:21:19 pm
She sounds like she's going to be a homeless monkey person.
She'll be covered in four trenchcoats to cover up all the monkey bites, and wherever she goes she will be reviled because her malnourished monkeys are going to be very badly behaved.
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It's certainly no coincidence that all of the ladies read in this episode have crazy issues and go through manic-depressive episodes where buying a monkey gives a high and then the reality of owning a monkey sends them into a horrible low. It's seriously like a drug-abuse cycle, only they're hurting living creatures other than themselves and it involves the strange twisting of maternal instincts we see in a lot of misguided pet ownership.
The use of parent-child language when it comes to the owner-pet relationship always rubbed me the wrong way, and this episode is the first good illustration of why that I could theoretically level at people.
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I really felt bad for the woman whom God turned His back on, because she had certainly run out of options as well as being given up by her family. But someone has to have told her that a monkey-child is a bad idea. Me personally, I soothe myself from God's eternal scorn by indulging in drugs, alcohol, and Fallout 3.
I think the moral of this episode is just to get a dog instead. You can still dress up a dog and they will love you forever.
BACK-ALLEY DAVE 4 LIFE
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People owning wild animals because it's "cute" is fucking disgusting. You know that Youtube video of a slow loris holding an umbrella?
Yeah, see, you can't breed lorises in captivity. It's pretty fucking difficult. You know what isn't difficult though? Taking a baby out of its tree while its mother's out foraging. So guess which one these "breeders" actually do.
Lorises are purely nocturnal. They do not function well when you completely flip their sleeping schedule, and stress can easily lead to a ton of disorders. They're the only toxic primate though, so you'd think people would avoid keeping them as pets, right? Nah, no worries, just pull their fucking teeth out with wire cutters. Not by a surgeon of any kind of course, since smuggling's crazy illegal. Just you know, grab this animal and pull its teeth out. It'll probably die on the way to its new home anyway so eh, who gives a shit.
A lot of these cute pet primates were taken from their parents when they were way too young, which causes severe psychological damage to them. If the poachers find the parents along with the baby, they'll just kill the parents. Because eh, the parent might, you know, bite you when you try to take its baby for some reason.
Dogs and cats have been specially bred to live with us. Primates aren't. They don't want to wear clothes. They don't want to stay in your tiny, filthy house. They can be violent fucking animals, especially when they've been stressed out and psychologically abused repeatedly. Hell, even fucking zookeepers don't trust a primate to not wig out on them, and they actually know what they're doing. Whenever a "tame" primate freaks out, the owners act so fucking surprised. Yeah, it's almost as if it's a highly intelligent wild fucking animal.
Goddamn I hate people.
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It really disturbs me because yes, Primates are our evolutionary bros. They feel the same emotions we do. So why the fuck do people think it's okay to rip a baby away from it's mother, and then have the goddamn gall to be surprised that it acts out because it never got to learn society cues from other primates, so they go insane.
I'd say that people that get mauled by monkeys deserve it, but most of these people are trailer trash types with children. So lets bring child endangerment into the picture shall we.
And the horrifying thing is people amputating finger tips to keep them from scratching and cut off their tails so you can force them into a diaper easier.
There has to be a special level of hell for these people.
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It really disturbs me because yes, Primates are our evolutionary bros. They feel the same emotions we do. So why the fuck do people think it's okay to rip a baby away from it's mother, and then have the goddamn gall to be surprised that it acts out because it never got to learn society cues from other primates, so they go insane.
Keetah Spacecat, April 16, 2013, 03:47:12 pm
Because they're fuckin' deranged and many have been rightly denied the opportunity to inflict themselves on human children so they turn to animals as an alternative.
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Actually, if the monkeypoop community is anything to go by, most of these women seem to be middle aged with slightly older kids of their own, or children who've just left home for the first time. I think there's a bit of an "empty nest" thing going on in some cases. Which doesn't really excuse anything, since they're grown adults who should really know better. There's just way too much of "I got a two week old monkey, but for some reason he got sick and died!" going in these communities.
Oh, and I'm sure it comes as a no surprise to you all that these people absolutely hate "animal rights hysteria" and anyone who names themselves an animal rights activist. Many monkey groups on Yahoo state specifically that you're not allowed to discuss anything animal rights related in them.
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I understand the Empty Nest Syndrome and Lonely Middle-Aged Woman Syndrome, but... why monkeys? That was the question I was left holding for the entire episode: why monkeys? Out of all of God's creatures, why monkeys?
And when I read about how awful the lives of exotic animals like monkeys are... I am honestly glad people seemed to get constantly ripped off in this community, and wished it happened more often. The fool and his money, etc.
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I understand the Empty Nest Syndrome and Lonely Middle-Aged Woman Syndrome, but... why monkeys? That was the question I was left holding for the entire episode: why monkeys? Out of all of God's creatures, why monkeys?
Psammetichus, April 16, 2013, 08:59:53 pm
Probably because they're close enough to human that you can pretend they're actually kids, but far enough from human that you never have to let them go off on their own at some point.
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If you're dealing with feelings of empty nest syndrome you should just babysit your neighbours' kids, crazy monkey ladies! Or don't because you're fucking crazy! Donate the money you were going to spend on that monkey to a zoo or a nature preserve so people who know what the fuck they're doing can look after monkeys!
I normally try to have a certain amount of sympathy for people who are victimized by fraud, even fraud that seems really obvious to the outside observer, But I found myself completely unable to feel sympathy for the people in this episode who had their monkey money stolen from them. Especially given what they were trying to buy. That woman who said she lost $1800 that was supposed to be for her daughter's Christmas really stuck out for me because...$1800 was your Christmas budget? Seriously? My parents' Christmas budget for me was less than a fifth of that and I still think they spoiled me around the holidays. This is a severe case of people with far more money than actual common sense.
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Probably because they're close enough to human that you can pretend they're actually kids, but far enough from human that you never have to let them go off on their own at some point.
PurpleXVI, April 16, 2013, 09:55:05 pm
Further than that, monkeys won't intellectually age much. An adult capuchin monkey is going to be pretty similar to a one-year old child as far as what they understand and how they interact. Crazy women who feel that the world is out of their control (I'm using members of my own family as examples here) really gravitate towards children who can't talk yet, and will publicly agonize that "I wish I could stop her from growing up".
Being a monkeymom means you get to freeze the age you want. You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.
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Being a monkeymom means you get to freeze the age you want. You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.
Lemon, April 17, 2013, 07:56:45 am
The part where they sink their fangs into your calf on account of them being non-domesticated animals, probably.
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Granted, I am not a pet owner (or, as they call them here in San Francisco, "pet guardian") and I don't have kids, but I really have a mistrust of people who adopt exotic animals because they want them as pets, not because they are caretakers or animal rescuers. These people are totally indulgent and also totally irresponsible. That lady who removed the teeth out of that monkey deserves serious jail time.
On another note: Didn't the movie "Outbreak" begin with somebody illegally importing a pet monkey to the U.S. and it starts spreading this horrific airborne disease? Sure, it was an over-the-top plot device, but it makes you think twice about smuggling strange creatures onto our shores. Why aren't these people remotely scared about that kind of thing?
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Being a monkeymom means you get to freeze the age you want. You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.
Lemon, April 17, 2013, 07:56:45 am
How about every single thing I just said because pulling a monkey's teeth just so it won't bite you is fucking horrifying.
It'd be like someone saying "so yeah my dog barks every time it sees a person walk past my house, so I gouged its goddamned eyes out. Problem solved!"
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Jesus christ, the teeth-pulling. I'm tired of my parrot flying around, so I'm just gonna cut his wings off. He poops everywhere too, so let's superglue his ass shut! This train of thought is completely incomprehensible to me. Do they not realize how painful and terrifying this is to the animal?
(of course they don't. the monkey is just a cute widdle stuffed toy to them.)
Uch. Somehow I cringed more at this than the bugfucker episode, and I couldn't even FINISH that.
I soothe myself from God's eternal scorn by indulging in drugs, alcohol, and Fallout 3.
Adam Bozarth, April 16, 2013, 01:21:01 pm
Well, there's your problem! 3's only going to make you feel worse. I recommend 50 ccs of New Vegas, stat.
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Protip: Old World Blues is the best DLC for anything ever.
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Was playing my 2nd playthrough of New Vegas until I bought Bioshock Infinite a few days ago. No worries, fellas.
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You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.
Lemon, April 17, 2013, 07:56:45 am
Cats?
I get leery of anyone who uses pet parent language in cold blood, but it's pretty hard not to do while holding an actual cat or dog. I pretty much go into total verbal meltdown when attempting to address my kitten.
This actually makes me wonder how these people talk to their monkeys? Do they use cutesy animal talk, or do they address them like little people?
God this rabbit hole runs deep and smells of feces and bounced checks
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Yeah, I turn into a simpering moron in front of my cat. I regret nothing.
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This was one of those episodes where, rightly, you can hear the barely concealed rage percolating through the readings, and as such, it was excellent.
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I'm the exact opposite with my cat (we are tough love in Glorious Motherland). His nicknames include "lard ball" and "goddamnit why are you sitting on the stairs in the dark where people can step on you". But I love 'im anyway.
Al, April 18, 2013, 02:53:44 pm
See, my sister's cat is like that, but I like to think that Sim-talking at him annoys him even more.
Speaking of unsatisfied middle-aged women dressing up unwilling animals, did this episode remind anyone else of pageant moms?
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Since you guys didn't do any of the entries about naming your monkey, I just want to share this with those of you who haven't read the doc. This is because I think nobody could find a more appropriate name for a monkey and we should all learn from this.
We've finally decided on a name for her.. we found one that fits her
perfectly,
she sings, doesn't chirp
she loves flying through the air like a fish would glide through water
she's got a lot of red hair .. like the little mermaid had
soooo we named her Ariel.
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She's going to break her parents' hearts by making a deal to go BACK TO THE FUCKING JUNGLE
Reading the archive of Garfield Minus Garfield instead of random strips for the first time, and, uh...
(http://25.media.tumblr.com/fSymsOGXO5e19ijbM9bamFJh_500.gif)
yeah it really says it all
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With all respect to Adam Bozarth, these are the stupidest people ever featured on the podcast.
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With all respect to Adam Bozarth, these are the stupidest people ever featured on the podcast.
Sherman Tank, March 14, 2016, 02:35:55 am
I doubt he's too upset about having his title stolen.
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I would love to see a return to this topic.
It's the perfect blend of massssssive stupidity, sadness, and anger-making that makes this podcast great
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One of my aunts posted on Facebook that she is getting a pet monkey, and I immediately thought of this episode. I don't know if she's joking or not.
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Lemon: "I work out four to five times a week." I AM ALSO AN INVETERATE LIAR.
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The tufted capuchin rubs urine on its hands and feet in order to attract mates and reduce stress.
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The tufted capuchin rubs urine on its hands and feet in order to attract mates and reduce stress.
Sherman Tank Fart Magic, July 23, 2017, 04:22:32 am
Pffft. That's true of like 85% of F Plus subjects.