“Instant noodles have been linked to schizophrenia, but there are no proven links. One study had some kids bring back Chicken Ramenese from Italy, and they got a bunch of kids named Lanfang. Half of them grew up to be iPhones. Half grew up to be women with strong opinions about Kung Fu. And the other half were given a placebo. No proven link. But one kid who was half dragon got into some salted Chinese food and did a whole lot of it, and it was terrible. But there is no proven link between salted Chinese food and quadruple bypass surgery.”