i think its your soul anting to get unhuman, get antisociety, and start practicing magick actively, but you are taught to follow rules and laws, so you are in paradox, dont quit mediating, follow your nativity, dont listen to your superstisious friends or parents.
you want to return to you soulbeing/mindstate, and this time with all glamourmagick and distractivity doesnt make it easy Smiling
go magik, fuck humans and society.