Secrets of the admins of a right-wing memes page

[Zekka]

Ask Rob the Helpful Parrot for guidance and advice.

OK! Guys, I've got bad news.

It sounds like Levi was sure you'd like his posts a lot better than you did. He's so crushed that you didn't like his marker-huffing antics that he doesn't even want to be a dragon any more. He wants to switch out his kintype for something darker, like... a raven, or a peregrine falcon.  At first he was all about the dragon powers, but then he realized he saw something warm in Boots. Not romance. Friendship. He doesn't want to breathe fire or have scales or wings or live in a cave full of gold -- he just wants the love and affection of his internet friends, which now he fears will be denied to him forever. He also wants attention, but he got plenty of that and that's no longer a priority for him.

He's also been eating less, and his hygiene has suffered. He's been eating the wrong food -- not dragon food like goat steak and beef jerky, human food like Chupa Chups and Beanie Weenies. For want of a better word, he's molting. His pasty skin is turning gray and peeling off, revealing an even pastier layer beneath. His eyes look like saucers. He can't close them because if they budge an inch he'll start crying, and the tears will roll down his face and make it look dark (I really can't emphasize how pasty and white he is) and make him look totally goth. (which he's not!)

He doesn't want to be in any more updates. Of course, he's going to have to be, because if we're on a group mission and he's in it he'll be on the character list. But he's not going to pose for any character sheets. He's not "DrakkyTheDragon" any more. He's just "Drakky." If you're gonna look at him he's gonna be sleeping, with his eyes open as previously mentioned. He won't lay down. He just stands there sighing. Poor Levi.

I asked him what it would take to make it up to him. He kind of flexed his arm awkwardly next to this funky credenza and "accidentally" knocked a few pages full of cool vampire drawings and Boots Raingear fanfic on the ground, but when he saw I wasn't looking at it he sobered up and said all he wants is an apology. From Guts Going Nutz and everyone else who anticheevoed him. And he said he has ways of knowing! But I had to give him the bad news: I have no way of making that happen. Why? He never asked for it in the topic. And he's in too much trauma to ask for it now. Even thinking about it makes his eyes bug out and his pulse speed up.

It might surprise you but we're in the greatest of all possible universes. We're in a universe of wish-granting and hope, which is guaranteed by my favorable response to every request made here. This world can get a whole lot darker without a whole lot of effort if I ignore even one request. And as of now my last logged request from him is to be a dragon, which -- according to him -- he no longer wants. In fact, I think it would make his species dysphoria worse. (and that is a real medical condition)

What that means is that I have no choice but to dragon-ify him. Doing otherwise... well, it could kill people. Good people, sane people. For starters, J.W. Friedman and Chris Collision. Maybe also Renata Sancken and Andrew Jupin. But I know giving him that former wish would make him unhappy. He might even kill himself, although dragons are pretty tough so it'd be hard to do that. I hate to think of the effects a dragon suicide would have on Boots: kobolds love dragons!

The only thing I can foresee that could save this situation is a talking parrot. That, or a sufficiently well-chosen SPECIAL GUEST, or a sufficiently strong audience recommendation. It seems like there are still some routes to save this life which as-of-yet have not been explored.

[Bodark]

There are so many possibilities, and we can't focus our liberal rage on our own. We need the guidance of Rob the Helpful Parrot. He'll know what to do!

[moooo566 (taylor's version)]

Check Inventory.

[Zekka]

Check Inventory.

OK!

There are so many possibilities, and we can't focus our liberal rage on our own. We need the guidance of Rob the Helpful Parrot. He'll know what to do!

OK! I happen to agree.








That was very enlightening! Thank you, Rob!

[moooo566 (taylor's version)]

This isn't a specific command, but we should beeline for somewhere we can pick up clingfilm. I've only ever played on adventure game but it was very useful there.

[Afraid of Audio]

This isn't a specific command, but we should beeline for somewhere we can pick up clingfilm. I've only ever played on adventure game but it was very useful there.

If we could procure a terrapin at the same time that would be great.

[Guts Going Nutz]

Tell Drakky we will all die alone and he has to learn to accept that.

[Gyro]

Horribly off-topic here but

The pick was D.

FYI the build you picked so far is pretty close to optimal.

now I want a game where you play as a kobold ninja. I want one real bad.

[Sherman Tank]

We should definitely obtain a terrapin and some clingfilm.

[moooo566 (taylor's version)]

I'd go so far as to say we need many, many rolls of clingfilm.

[Sherman Tank]

I'd go so far as to say we need many, many rolls of clingfilm.

Possibly even more than that.

[Zekka]

Horribly off-topic here but now I want a game where you play as a kobold ninja. I want one real bad.

This isn't a specific command, but we should beeline for somewhere we can pick up clingfilm. I've only ever played on adventure game but it was very useful there.

If we could procure a terrapin at the same time that would be great.

OK! Fantasy is reality! Wheels are in motion!

Tell Drakky we will all die alone and he has to learn to accept that.

OK! I left a note in his closet, which is full of dark-colored outfits and cloaks. Which he can't wear because he's not goth. We might have to take more overt means to make sure he discovers it!

In happier news, there's fortunately a plastics factory right in town, so clingfilm isn't going to be a problem. June wants to attend, but this isn't likely to turn out well -- she's not statted out for stealth or disguise, although she has some potential to become good at disguise if we help her grind it. She just spends the day modding the guests from Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 to look more like kobolds.

Boots heads in.





Clingfilm! In industrial size!



Destroying this machinery boosts Boots' stats by generating tons of Juice.



However, in that trip, Boots didn't break enough machines to level up from Activist to Socialist Threat.



Legislation occurs.



This looks pretty good for us. Those green propositions both advance our agenda. We don't like the red proposition, but it was basically inevitable.



He has that power, it turns out.



We could make more cash by selling more of our loot. But the most effective way to get ahead in this game is to design clothing, since it's very low-risk and you can generate about a half a raid worth of loot every day.

After a quick second raid, Boots has Socialist Threat status, and corresponding stat gains.



But there's also something else. You may remember what I said, which is that this is industrial-size clingfilm. There are a lot of ways to bundle clingfilm: traditionally rolls, which can be subdivided into smaller rolls, but also bundles folded across hundreds of times like antique computer paper. At first glance this one particular bundle looked like one of the latter -- but instead Boots found it was concentric, like a roll -- wrapped around something square and barely visible through the faintly translucent plastic.



What you see at the bottom when all the wrappings are gone is an old film photograph, slightly torn, as if it's been handled by someone. It's been only slightly distorted by the heat and weight of its plastic coat.

It depicts a rotund old man having fat cheeks, a long beard, and a shaggy mop of thick white hair. The man is most assuredly not Santa Claus.

Something about the exposure has turned his eyes plutonium green.

[Sherman Tank]

This is some intense shit. Obviously Levi needs immediate help. Boots should use the Kadir-Buxton Method to heal him quickly.

After that, Boots needs to power up as fast as possible. He needs A PYRADYNE HEADGEAR PYRAMID

[montrith]

Suggesting our eventual clothes line be complely clingfilm and pyramid hat based.

[Bodark]

We're wanted for credit card fraud, so now sounds like a good opportunity to talk to a SPECIAL GUEST who can give us legal assistance.

I'm sure yei has always wanted to see the view from the top floor of Trump Condominiums, anyway.