Projects > Irregular

Episode 3: Asexuals

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fluffy:
By the way, what about "gray-a" and "demisexual?" Those particular terms got a lot of ridicule on the original fpl.us podcast, and I seem to recall the irregular one just sort of glossing over it, but I've seen some pretty good defenses of the terms - the problem of course is that the soundbitey definition that's so easy to rail against loses a lot of nuance (and the echo-chamber nature of the various asexuality forums doesn't help at all).

It seems like sexuality, attraction, and gender are really more of a continuum, and specific terms only serve to talk about extreme, highly-constrained points along that continuum.  So, while I used to think those terms were silly, I've more recently come to see them as valid, if only that they're shorthands for more complex explanations like "I'm asexual except for under very specific circumstances."

Notm:
The more I listened to this Irregular episode, the more I came to realise my own identification with a lot of what was said by the three guests about being asexual. I'm not saying that I would feel comfortable in not having sex but I can definately see the appeal in passing it up.

I don't remember if this was covered in the asexual episode, but I'm curious as to how many partners or past relationships the guests had been in before either coming to terms with their asexuality or experiencing a relationship as an asexual person (I know one of them had a partner that they couldn't have sex with due to medical reasons). I don't really know if my own personal disinterest with sex arises because I can't get into a relationship or not, could anyone comment on their experience?

fluffy:
Is it okay if that's answered by someone who wasn't a podcast guest? I've identified as asexual for many, many years.  I've never had sex, despite having many opportunities to do so.  On the other hand, plenty of asexuals force themselves to have sex but never really like it (same way that a gay person can end up forcing oneself to have sex with a member of the opposite sex to try to conform or whatever, which I suspect is also at the core of many conservative Christians' belief that homosexuality is a "temptation" that one must not give into).

I've been in a few relationships, usually with members of the same biological sex as myself, and usually they were problematic because of the imbalance where they wanted sex and I didn't, and couldn't understand how I would be uninterested (but I loved snuggling with them regardless).

In my case there's also some gender dysphoria going on; I identify as neutrois and would prefer to not have genitalia at all.  That has always been an aspect of myself, and it's not due to any sort of trauma or the like (for some reason the first assumption people make is that I must have been sexually abused as a child or something, so I just need to get that out in the open at the outset).

Like Chaz (I think he's the one who discussed the entrapment fantasy) I do have kinks that I find to be sexy in and of themselves, but that's different than sexual attraction and I think stems from the biological needs from my (lowered, but still existent) sex drive that tries to reach out in other ways.

Sexuality is complicated and different for everyone; it's just that most people have enough common ground that their respective differences are easy to compartmentalize.  Really, it's something that everyone has to figure out for themselves.

Chaz:
I don't remember if this was covered in the asexual episode, but I'm curious as to how many partners or past relationships the guests had been in before either coming to terms with their asexuality or experiencing a relationship as an asexual personNotm, February 02, 2013, 08:01:56 pm
--- End quote ---

For me, that would have been one relationship. I was still exploring at the time, and I met this other guy  who I ended up becoming boyfriends with, but they started to be pretty obsessed about engaging in a sexual relationship, and I really didn't feel interested or comfortable with it at all. He thought I was trying to troll him and pretty much word-for-word said "You can't have a relationship without sex". At that point I figured it wasn't worth trying to keep the relationship anymore.

Keetah Spacecat:
I've always held the idea to heart that people shouldn't be huge jerks to each other, that includes asexuals. Hassling someone for their sexuality is just not cool. If they are being a big huge jerk, hassle them for being a big huge jerk, not because they are ____.

I'm also going to say that even though I identify as Asexual, it could be a side effect of both trauma and medical issues. Or it could just be my natural sexuality. But I've always been attracted to people's personalities and wanting to just be with them instead of it being a sexual thing. I don't know if it's something I'll ever be able to know unless they have a magic cure all pill and can fix my crooked pelvis and back so I didn't have to worry about getting hurt having sex :x

And for me I dated in highschool, and I went to a tight christian private school. If you were caught having sex you were expelled, and they'd usually expel the female students more than the male ones. My then boyfriend pressured me for sex all the time, and I told him no because I valued my scholarship that I'd get when I graduate more than a quickie. So he cheated on me and then dumped me over email :B Hah!

I've been with my current boyfriend/fiance now for 6 years. He's never once pressured me for sex and he is a wonderful man. I'm willing to try sex though to make him happy, but every time we even THINK about trying something his mother or my roommates come into our doorless room and ask to be driven to Walmart or to clean up cat puke.

It's funny cause his mother wants us to just do it so bad but won't leave us alone enough to try anything hahaha!

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