Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Ambious on January 02, 2015, 04:00:18 pm
15 minutes in. Poor bingo game so far, but amusing nontheless.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: EYE OF ZA on January 02, 2015, 09:52:57 pm
From the front page of the website:
The Headache Paradox: It is scientifically impossible to have a headache, seeing that there are no pain receptors in the brain. Yet we continue to search for answers to what causes a headache, because we all know that headaches do exist.
It looks exactly the way I assumed it would, too.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Geremy Tibbles on January 02, 2015, 10:33:55 pm
WHAT IS A MAN?
Sorry, I had to.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: BomberJacket on January 02, 2015, 11:32:28 pm
When I heard about vampires drinking ketchup, I immediately thought of this abonimation.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: JonRG on January 02, 2015, 11:44:31 pm
Real cool people shave their teeth.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Muffinator on January 03, 2015, 04:48:16 am
Goddamit, I guess the Goth Moth got them.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Nemo2342 on January 03, 2015, 05:34:15 am
When I heard about vampires drinking ketchup, I immediately thought of this abonimation.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: MyFaceBeHi on January 03, 2015, 06:07:32 am
Today I learnt that you shouldn't listen to The F Plus podcast whilst you have a migraine because now all I can think of is "ONE PODCAST! TWO PODCAST! AH! AH! AH!"
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Cat Planet on January 03, 2015, 06:59:28 am
I like that he is self aware enough to realise that people pretend to be vampires to attract attention, but not enough to realize that he is one of them.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: thesis on January 03, 2015, 07:47:18 am
I'll remember to blame all future bitchiness on being an energy vampire.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: A Meat on January 03, 2015, 08:47:57 am
So is the only true fact about vampires that they suck blood? Maybe these people are actually leeches.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: JamEngulfer on January 03, 2015, 09:25:57 am
There's another doc I did for this episode which contains a forum and some lovely poetry.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Agent (gobble, gobble) Coop on January 03, 2015, 03:12:13 pm
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: KingKalamari on January 03, 2015, 03:42:46 pm
Because there is never not an excuse to post this:
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: count_actuala on January 03, 2015, 03:49:58 pm
Mission Hill was too good for this world.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: JonRG on January 03, 2015, 03:53:02 pm
Love an opportunity to post this.
(http://i.imgur.com/PabcZc8.gif)
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: montrith on January 03, 2015, 05:05:08 pm
There's a whole bunch of real vampire stuff out there, so we might see another episode in the future. Did you know they actually conducted a "scientific" survey among their kind?
Surprise surprise, survey says most real vampires are white Americans.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: count_actuala on January 03, 2015, 07:37:43 pm
There's a whole bunch of real vampire stuff out there, so we might see another episode in the future. Did you know they actually conducted a "scientific" survey among their kind?
To be fair I feel like that might be a sampling problem.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Isfahan on January 03, 2015, 09:39:19 pm
It becomes apparent during the vampires-in-the-military segment that the dude was imagining military service to be like Splinter Cell where you're left alone for long periods of time in dark locations where you can stalk and kill your prey. The only problem is that the vast, vast majority of meeting engagements in modern conflict take place during the day and at ranges of 50-300 meters. Not to mention all of your squadmates whom you're constantly around and who would notice that your mouth is constantly stained with blood and that shit wouldn't fly.
1. Quicker, stronger, naturally better killers There are tons of jobs in the military, and very very few of them require you to kill with anything approaching regularity. When there is killing to be done, it's at rifle ranges (50-300m), which sort of nullifies the fantasy melee-combat in which a vampire is supposed to excel. As for being quicker and stronger, PT tests are used to measure and document fitness, and I don't think I've ever heard of someone who did supernaturally well on a PT test. You'd think someone who ran a two-mile in four minutes after 160 push-ups and 200 sit-ups would have rated an article in the Army Times or something.
2. Free and easy access to blood This is not Wolfenstein and you're not at 1 health. Besides, you'd actually have terrible access to blood. See above for my comment re: rifle ranges. Also, when would you be alone with a corpse whose blood is fresh enough to feed on? Do you know how quickly a dead person's blood coagulates? Running to the spot where you just dropped a guy so you can feed is usually crazy dangerous and puts your squadmates in danger. You want a job with a lot of access to blood, become a fucking surgeon. It pays better too.
3. More aware of our surroundings to satisfy our deep-down killer instincts In Kuwait it got up to 54°C (130°F) and the sun was goddamn unrelenting. It's terrible for even non-vampires under those conditions. Your hunter-of-the-night instincts aren't going to help you when sandstorms have turned the air an opaque orange and you have to cover your entire face to keep the wind from crusting your eyes shut. The military actually teaches situational awareness, and while some people are indeed naturally better at it than others, knowing what is and is not extraneous information while keeping your head on a swivel goes a lot farther than echolocation or whatever superpowers the person you happen to be asking has decided vampires have.
4. Will know where the enemy is before the enemy knows we are there Again, I don't know what sort of scenarios this person was imagining but hunting for Taliban in mountainous eastern Afghanistan is not the same as swooping down on a big-titted college girl with a broken high heel in a dreary alley, which is something they probably imagined immediately after. In any case, there's an entire sub-discipline in the military devoted to letting fighters know where the enemy is, but hey, I guess drinking blood pretty much renders that unnecessary.
5. We are the best that they have for fighting for our country
Nope.
6. "Hi Isfahan"
I didn't want to disappoint.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Blandest on January 03, 2015, 10:04:11 pm
But Isfahan, you are forgetting that vampires are pretty much imortal. Oh wait, shit.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Isfahan on January 03, 2015, 11:01:56 pm
Well, according to the list of myths about vampires that's in the episode, there's really nothing to differentiate vampires from regular people.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Nikaer Drekin on January 03, 2015, 11:15:42 pm
That's probably the most baffling part of this whole thing. They so badly want both to be a vampire and for vampires to be real in the first place that they end up proving themselves wrong on both counts.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Blandest on January 04, 2015, 03:32:45 am
Maybe they were sick of being proven wrong on all the things they couldn't do so they just made a set of abilities that they could actually live up to. That way nobody prove them wrong about being a vampire. It is just a shame that the vampire that they think they are ends up being just a human.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Ramona Chingona on January 04, 2015, 08:30:04 pm
I applaud this site owner for addressing the importance of using sterile needles to draw blood from their (!WILLING!) donors. When drinking someone else's blood, it is paramount that you use new needles.
Vampires should search for local harm-reduction resources in their area. I'm sure they would be glad to help you protect yourself from blood-borne illnesses like HIV and Hepatitis, so that you may safely drink another person's blood.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: crow on January 05, 2015, 11:13:04 am
I like how these guys say that Psy Vamps have Renfield's and Porphyria while the guys who literally think they need blood and that the sunlight hurts them don't
Also, you would think that the real vampires would know more about vampire legends the world over, especially since they don't match up to the traditional Eastern European model, Chinese model or any traditional vampire
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: A Meat on January 05, 2015, 11:21:48 am
I like how these guys say that Psy Vamps have Renfield's and Porphyria while the guys who literally think they need blood and that the sunlight hurts them don't
Also, you would think that the real vampires would know more about vampire legends the world over, especially since they don't match up to the traditional Eastern European model, Chinese model or any traditional vampire Smoking Crow, January 05, 2015, 11:13:04 am
These people would probably say that Bram Stoker's Dracula isn't a real vampire either, because only they are.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Psammetichus on January 05, 2015, 02:36:05 pm
I would refer that would-be military vampire to perhaps consider joining ISIS? Lots of combat jobs, lots of close-quarters fighting, lots of blood. There's still that problem of the near-constant sunlight, though. Maybe consider opening an ISIS branch on the dark side of the moon?
edit: Here's a rediculously detailed Wikipedia chart about the characteristics of various vampires (e.g. trad. European vampires, the vampires in Varney the Vampire, Count Chocula, the vampires from Adventure Time, etc. etc. etc.) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_vampire_traits_in_folklore_and_fiction)
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Agent (gobble, gobble) Coop on January 05, 2015, 02:50:05 pm
I would refer that would-be military vampire to perhaps consider joining ISIS? Lots of combat jobs, lots of close-quarters fighting, lots of blood. There's still that problem of the near-constant sunlight, though. Maybe consider opening an ISIS branch on the dark side of the moon?
edit: Here's a rediculously detailed Wikipedia chart about the characteristics of various vampires (e.g. trad. European vampires, the vampires in Varney the Vampire, Count Chocula, the vampires from Adventure Time, etc. etc. etc.) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_vampire_traits_in_folklore_and_fiction) Psammetichus, January 05, 2015, 02:36:05 pm
too sunni
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Psammetichus on January 05, 2015, 03:15:55 pm
That's true. Also there's probably some bad blood between Muslims and vampires since the Turks killed Dracula and all, I now realize.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: crow on January 05, 2015, 04:04:49 pm
edit: Here's a rediculously detailed Wikipedia chart about the characteristics of various vampires (e.g. trad. European vampires, the vampires in Varney the Vampire, Count Chocula, the vampires from Adventure Time, etc. etc. etc.) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_vampire_traits_in_folklore_and_fiction) Psammetichus, January 05, 2015, 02:36:05 pm
No Don Dracula 1/5
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Tiny Prancer on January 05, 2015, 04:55:05 pm
I wish some of these people who get obsessed with proving they're vampires would get into the weirder elements of vampire lore, like the belief that vampires could turn into butterflies (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_folklore_by_region#Slavic_Europe), but I guess none of these people think butterflies are hardcore enough
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Victor Laszlo on January 05, 2015, 04:58:48 pm
As a kid, were you the strongest, smartest, or quickest kid in the class, and at around 16 years of age maybe all 3?
How did this one sneak onto the real vampire checklist? No person who has ever been on that website was the strongest, smartest and fastest kid in the class, unless I guess they went to a boarding school for weenies. Even in the fantasy world in your brain surely athletes exist.
IF YOU DO DECIDE TO TEST THIS OUT BE DAMN SURE THAT YOU ARE A REAL VAMPIRE OR ELSE THIS WILL EITHER MAKE YOU EXTREMELY SICK, PUT YOU IN A HOSPITAL, OR POTENTIALLY KILL YOU!
If she floats in water, she's a witch!
Also the entire part about how a lot of people who think they are vampires are actually just mentally ill.
The Headache Paradox: It is scientifically impossible to have a headache, seeing that there are no pain receptors in the brain. Yet we continue to search for answers to what causes a headache, because we all know that headaches do exist.
(http://mlkshk.com/r/G35H)
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Runic on January 05, 2015, 05:11:17 pm
I would refer that would-be military vampire to perhaps consider joining ISIS? Lots of combat jobs, lots of close-quarters fighting, lots of blood. There's still that problem of the near-constant sunlight, though. Maybe consider opening an ISIS branch on the dark side of the moon?
edit: Here's a rediculously detailed Wikipedia chart about the characteristics of various vampires (e.g. trad. European vampires, the vampires in Varney the Vampire, Count Chocula, the vampires from Adventure Time, etc. etc. etc.) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_vampire_traits_in_folklore_and_fiction) Psammetichus, January 05, 2015, 02:36:05 pm
At the time I am writing this the last entry on that list links to a My Little Pony fanfiction. The internet, ladies and gentlemen!
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: count_actuala on January 05, 2015, 05:30:59 pm
I'm really bummed nobody had to register for a forum to view any of this under the pseudonym count_actuala
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: montrith on January 05, 2015, 07:09:19 pm
No person who has ever been on that website was the strongest, smartest and fastest kid in the class, unless I guess they went to a boarding school for weenies.
Home school, class of 1.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Cleretic on January 05, 2015, 10:18:45 pm
I'm still wondering about what happened to get this guy the domain name 'vampirewebsite.net'. Was it really a frustrating process like Lemon said, was it when he started punching in vaguely suitable names until he got one that he didn't actually want? Because vampirewebsite.net is a very specific, very simple address. Maybe it was his first choice, maybe he went 'my website about vampires HAS TO BE at the domain vampirewebsite.net, this is crucial'.
I prefer the third option, though: that some bizarre sequence of events outside of his control led to him owning the domain, and his natural response was 'welp, guess I'm a vampire now'.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: montrith on January 06, 2015, 01:24:28 pm
This is relevant and you should all watch it cause it's a pretty good movie.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: EYE OF ZA on January 06, 2015, 02:09:10 pm
I'm still wondering about what happened to get this guy the domain name 'vampirewebsite.net'. Was it really a frustrating process like Lemon said, was it when he started punching in vaguely suitable names until he got one that he didn't actually want? Because vampirewebsite.net is a very specific, very simple address. Maybe it was his first choice, maybe he went 'my website about vampires HAS TO BE at the domain vampirewebsite.net, this is crucial'.
I prefer the third option, though: that some bizarre sequence of events outside of his control led to him owning the domain, and his natural response was 'welp, guess I'm a vampire now'. Cleretic, January 05, 2015, 10:18:45 pm
Oh, we're sorry! The domain vampire.net is already taken!
Try one of these available options: vampiresite.net Available! vampireweb.net Available! vampirewebsite.net Available! vampire.computer Available! vampirefetishcommunity.net Available!
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: count_actuala on January 06, 2015, 02:30:58 pm
I shouldn't want vampire.computer as much as I do.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: chai tea latte on January 06, 2015, 02:47:27 pm
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Tiny Prancer on January 06, 2015, 03:11:43 pm
vampire computers, duh
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: EYE OF ZA on January 06, 2015, 04:32:01 pm
I suggest vampire.careers, vampire.pizza, and my new top favorite tld, vampire.website
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Agent (gobble, gobble) Coop on January 06, 2015, 04:38:36 pm
vampi.re, for vampires from the french speaking island Reunion
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Slayer of Yaks on January 06, 2015, 04:40:45 pm
After listening to this episode, I am reminded of this song:
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: crow on January 06, 2015, 06:00:18 pm
I wonder what vampires think of vampire-kin…
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: montrith on January 06, 2015, 08:28:35 pm
Let's not forget the most touching vampire scene in cinema history.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Muffinator on January 07, 2015, 04:01:57 am
Any reason you guys have stopped putting them on itunes? I've tried refreshing, but I haven't seen anything since the deviantart episode.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Cat Planet on January 07, 2015, 04:28:07 am
Any reason you guys have stopped putting them on itunes? I've tried refreshing, but I haven't seen anything since the deviantart episode. Muffinator, January 07, 2015, 04:01:57 am
I have. Try to re-subscribe maybe?
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: goombapolice on January 07, 2015, 06:27:55 am
This episode was great. The bit about the captains of all the football teams had me choking back laughter so bad, tears were running down my face at work.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Psammetichus on January 08, 2015, 11:03:56 am
Hmm... I wonder...
Good news, this domain is available!
www.vampires.gop - $5,000.00/yr [Add to cart]
Jesus Christ.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: count_actuala on January 08, 2015, 01:13:24 pm
If I were a rich man.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Lemon on January 12, 2015, 03:18:02 pm
SHAMEFULLY OBSCURE REFERENCE: I'd been meaning to mention this for a while, but this episode has a bit where we're riffing on "The Turning Process" and I shout out "I'm not nervous! I'm not nervous".
So, this is a reference to an episode of Regular Show called Dizzy (http://regularshow.wikia.com/wiki/Dizzy/Transcript), where the two main characters try to get Pops over his stage fright by just telling him to constantly spin around in circles when he's on stage. It's a genuinely funny gag, but the only reason that was such an immediate reference is because the only things my daughter ever wants to watch are...
The episode of Regular Show where Pops gets dizzy
The episode of Spongebob where Squidward gets his nose stuck in a leaf blower
The episode of Adventure Time where the porcupine sticks Finn in his butt
or the episode of Futurama where Leela dies
So, she's got a specific sense of humor, but I just wanted to provide context for this one.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Agent (gobble, gobble) Coop on January 12, 2015, 08:38:02 pm
Hunting down the glenn beck song used in this episode lead me to this, so I am eternally grateful.
boots edit: fixed your link. You don't need to grab the embedded code version
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Ras Shame-ra on February 01, 2015, 06:26:43 pm
wouldn't it end up vamipre.urbanwizards.com? That's what happens when I go to poop.computer.
I also think it's funny that they don't know that there's no blood in rare steak.
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: One Of The Crappy Pokemon That Nobody Likes on February 01, 2015, 06:28:48 pm
SHAMEFULLY OBSCURE REFERENCE: I'd been meaning to mention this for a while, but this episode has a bit where we're riffing on "The Turning Process" and I shout out "I'm not nervous! I'm not nervous".
So, this is a reference to an episode of Regular Show called Dizzy (http://regularshow.wikia.com/wiki/Dizzy/Transcript), where the two main characters try to get Pops over his stage fright by just telling him to constantly spin around in circles when he's on stage. It's a genuinely funny gag, but the only reason that was such an immediate reference is because the only things my daughter ever wants to watch are...
The episode of Regular Show where Pops gets dizzy
The episode of Spongebob where Squidward gets his nose stuck in a leaf blower
The episode of Adventure Time where the porcupine sticks Finn in his butt
or the episode of Futurama where Leela dies
So, she's got a specific sense of humor, but I just wanted to provide context for this one. Lemon, January 12, 2015, 03:18:02 pm
NEEEERRRD! Hahaha, man, Lemon's going to yell at you so much when he sees this p--WAIT WHUUUHHH???
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: count_actuala on February 01, 2015, 08:10:54 pm
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: BomberJacket on August 01, 2015, 02:16:31 pm
Since folks are discussing this again, I'd like to bring up that about two weeks ago, Newsweek actually quoted and linked to vampirewebsite.net multiple times. Fuckin' journalism, people.
Link is here: http://www.newsweek.com/real-vampires-exist-and-they-need-counseling-too-351575 (http://www.newsweek.com/real-vampires-exist-and-they-need-counseling-too-351575)
Title: Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: Adam Bozarth on August 02, 2015, 02:43:03 am
When I was briefly employed at a blog, I did a story about real vampires, as in anemics who started sucking blood from willing donors to regain vitality. A researcher spent a decade with people who identified as vampires because of this habit. The folks were from all walks of life, but they all just happened into sucking blood to not feel sleepy all the time.
The main focus was about how these real vampire don't mention their habit of sucking blood to their doctors for fear of being stigmatized as mentally ill or even persecuted. So, they don't mention they eat blood whatsoever and real conditions go untreated.
It instantly reminded me of these "REAL vampires," but the "REAL vampires" are just weirdos with a compulsion to make Web 1.0 sites about their imaginations.
Title: 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Post by: SiliconRed on September 11, 2016, 01:19:03 am
No idea why this didn't exist before, but here's a clip of the football congress bit from Ep 161.