Episode 101: I Hope My Kids Never Evolve

[montrith]

Actually, if the monkeypoop community is anything to go by, most of these women seem to be middle aged with slightly older kids of their own, or children who've just left home for the first time. I think there's a bit of an "empty nest" thing going on in some cases. Which doesn't really excuse anything, since they're grown adults who should really know better. There's just way too much of "I got a two week old monkey, but for some reason he got sick and died!" going in these communities.

Oh, and I'm sure it comes as a no surprise to you all that these people absolutely hate "animal rights hysteria" and anyone who names themselves an animal rights activist. Many monkey groups on Yahoo state specifically that you're not allowed to discuss anything animal rights related in them.

[Psammetichus]

I understand the Empty Nest Syndrome and Lonely Middle-Aged Woman Syndrome, but... why monkeys? That was the question I was left holding for the entire episode: why monkeys? Out of all of God's creatures, why monkeys?

And when I read about how awful the lives of exotic animals like monkeys are... I am honestly glad people seemed to get constantly ripped off in this community, and wished it happened more often. The fool and his money, etc.

[PurpleXVI]

I understand the Empty Nest Syndrome and Lonely Middle-Aged Woman Syndrome, but... why monkeys? That was the question I was left holding for the entire episode: why monkeys? Out of all of God's creatures, why monkeys?

Probably because they're close enough to human that you can pretend they're actually kids, but far enough from human that you never have to let them go off on their own at some point.

[KingKalamari]

If you're dealing with feelings of empty nest syndrome you should just babysit your neighbours' kids, crazy monkey ladies! Or don't because you're fucking crazy! Donate the money you were going to spend on that monkey to a zoo or a nature preserve so people who know what the fuck they're doing can look after monkeys!

I normally try to have a certain amount of sympathy for people who are victimized by fraud, even fraud that seems really obvious to the outside observer, But I found myself completely unable to feel sympathy for the people in this episode who had their monkey money stolen from them. Especially given what they were trying to buy. That woman who said she lost $1800 that was supposed to be for her daughter's Christmas really stuck out for me because...$1800 was your Christmas budget? Seriously? My parents' Christmas budget for me was less than a fifth of that and I still think they spoiled me around the holidays. This is a severe case of people with far more money than actual common sense.

[Lemon]

Probably because they're close enough to human that you can pretend they're actually kids, but far enough from human that you never have to let them go off on their own at some point.

Further than that, monkeys won't intellectually age much. An adult capuchin monkey is going to be pretty similar to a one-year old child as far as what they understand and how they interact. Crazy women who feel that the world is out of their control (I'm using members of my own family as examples here) really gravitate towards children who can't talk yet, and will publicly agonize that "I wish I could stop her from growing up".

Being a monkeymom means you get to freeze the age you want. You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.

[PurpleXVI]

Being a monkeymom means you get to freeze the age you want. You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.

The part where they sink their fangs into your calf on account of them being non-domesticated animals, probably.

[Down10]

Granted, I am not a pet owner (or, as they call them here in San Francisco, "pet guardian") and I don't have kids, but I really have a mistrust of people who adopt exotic animals because they want them as pets, not because they are caretakers or animal rescuers. These people are totally indulgent and also totally irresponsible. That lady who removed the teeth out of that monkey deserves serious jail time.


On another note: Didn't the movie "Outbreak" begin with somebody illegally importing a pet monkey to the U.S. and it starts spreading this horrific airborne disease? Sure, it was an over-the-top plot device, but it makes you think twice about smuggling strange creatures onto our shores. Why aren't these people remotely scared about that kind of thing?

[One Of The Crappy Pokemon That Nobody Likes]

Being a monkeymom means you get to freeze the age you want. You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.

How about every single thing I just said because pulling a monkey's teeth just so it won't bite you is fucking horrifying.

It'd be like someone saying "so yeah my dog barks every time it sees a person walk past my house, so I gouged its goddamned eyes out. Problem solved!"

[scratchohey]

Jesus christ, the teeth-pulling. I'm tired of my parrot flying around, so I'm just gonna cut his wings off. He poops everywhere too, so let's superglue his ass shut! This train of thought is completely incomprehensible to me. Do they not realize how painful and terrifying this is to the animal?

_{(of course they don't. the monkey is just a cute widdle stuffed toy to them.)}

Uch. Somehow I cringed more at this than the bugfucker episode, and I couldn't even FINISH that.

I soothe myself from God's eternal scorn by indulging in drugs, alcohol, and Fallout 3.

Well, there's your problem! 3's only going to make you feel worse. I recommend 50 ccs of New Vegas, stat.

[Runic]

Protip: Old World Blues is the best DLC for anything ever.

[Adam Bozarth]

Was playing my 2nd playthrough of New Vegas until I bought Bioshock Infinite a few days ago. No worries, fellas.

[Delcat]

You will always have a thing to care for that is small, big eyed, human-like, helpless, cute and loving. It's pretty much the perfect idea unless there's something I'm not considering.

Cats?

I get leery of anyone who uses pet parent language in cold blood, but it's pretty hard not to do while holding an actual cat or dog.  I pretty much go into total verbal meltdown when attempting to address my kitten.

This actually makes me wonder how these people talk to their monkeys?  Do they use cutesy animal talk, or do they address them like little people?

God this rabbit hole runs deep and smells of feces and bounced checks

[Runic]

Yeah, I turn into a simpering moron in front of my cat.  I regret nothing.

[BlueDiablo]

This was one of those episodes where, rightly, you can hear the barely concealed rage percolating through the readings, and as such, it was excellent.

[Delcat]

I'm the exact opposite with my cat (we are tough love in Glorious Motherland). His nicknames include "lard ball" and "goddamnit why are you sitting on the stairs in the dark where people can step on you". But I love 'im anyway.

See, my sister's cat is like that, but I like to think that Sim-talking at him annoys him even more.

Speaking of unsatisfied middle-aged women dressing up unwilling animals, did this episode remind anyone else of pageant moms?