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Topic: Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy  (Read 11534 times)

Yossarian

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #15
Someone beat that guy to his kidnapping idea.
http://traveltweaks.com/pretend-kidnappings-as-vacation-3134/
someone had better ask if you can be wrapped up in [clingfilm]

You guys should release episodes when I have long drives, because this one was nicely timed.

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #16
STOG totally won this episode, with Portaxx coming in at a close second. Not that all the readers weren't great :P but those two were amazing.

Also, yeah, the arranged kidnapping definitely exists, or it did ten years or so ago... I read about it in Rolling Stone a long while back.
Sherman Tank

Isfahan

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #17
Okay, so. Mealitary.

First off, I'm pretty sure cafeterias exist already, so this idea is just a cafeteria with no decorations in the dining area which you pay a premium to eat in. Let's put that aside, however.

Military chow halls do not serve fine cuisine, and fine cuisine cannot be served chow-hall style. Cafeterias—and especially institutional cafeterias—are designed such to serve a large quantity of people in a short amount of time. This means entrées which are easily cooked in large quantities and able to be served from chafing dishes. Items which do not qualify as baked goods are designed to be easily scoopable or spoonable. Lasagna is about as fancy as it gets, though this, too, will probably be scooped. If the guy behind the counter is putting caviar in your tray with an ice-cream scoop (or, more accurately, probably a melon baller), you're in for a bad time. I would not trust that caviar.

The military breakfast is bulk sausage, scrambled eggs (again, easily scoopable), a biscuit, grits if you like grits (scoopable), and on a good day, maybe Eggo waffles. Not terrible, but not haute cuisine, and certainly not worth whatever these jokers are imagining they'll charge. If you want toast, there's some fucking Wonder bread and a twenty-year-old toaster oven at the end of the line. Go toast it. Jam? Get the fuck out of here, where do you think you are? IHOP? Go out into the ville and pay money if you want that fancy jam shit.

Lunch is probably veal and instant mashed potatoes (the ultimate scoopable food, mashed potatoes are present at every meal). The Army has a disturbing abundance of veal; I ate it three times a week in basic training, and less often once I was done there, but it was at every chow hall everywhere. At least they called it veal, and since I've never had veal outside of a chow hall I don't really have a frame of reference. It was chicken-fried... meat, very dark, too thin and spongy to be beef. It could have been ground-up raccoon for all I know. Now I know what you're thinking: veal is almost or could conceivably be considered part of haute cuisine if it's prepared right. Trust me, though, if they served in Mealitary what soldiers get served, they'd be out of business and the place would probably be burned down by a mob of irate yuppies within a week. There is also the stereotypical shit on a shingle: creamed chipped beef. That still shows up plenty often. Well, the "shingle" portion of that combination has since faded from the limelight a bit. You want toast? You want a shingle for your shit? Do what you did at breakfast.

Dinner is whatever didn't get eaten at lunch. It's probably been reheated, because Uncle Sam loves his nieces and nephews, yes he does.

Nobody takes drink orders, much less "floating around" while they do it. You get a cup and a soda fountain, there's your drinks. You want water? Hold down the little thing which makes water come out instead of soda. And there's no ice. There's never ice. The military has lost the technology behind making ice. 10th Mountain Divison comes back from exercise and everyone crowds around them, saying "Did you see ice? Was it cold? Tell me what the ice was like!*" The syrup hookup for the Dr. Pepper is busted, and has been forever. You will never have Dr. Pepper. There is only Pepsi and Orange Slice until you change duty station, but the Dr. Pepper will probably be busted at the next chow hall too.

AND FURTHERMORE COMMA chow halls on permanent military installations are made of cinder block, not concrete, and sure as shit not marble. Walls are decorated with glossy white paint to drive home that mental-hospital feeling along with the finest lowest-bidder hotel-room artwork available from the local strip mall. There are probably plastic potted plants lining the divider sections, but if they are there, they will be dusty, because the only clean which counts in the military is a clean floor. There can be black mold growing in the ceiling tiles and the fabric on all of the Cold-War-era chairs can be covered with the mystery stains of ten thousand asses and meals, but God help you if that floor is not mopped and buffed.

In other words, Mealitary is not meal-spec**.

* this joke is super funny, folks, trust me
** this one too

Lemon chai tea latte One Of The Crappy Pokemon That Nobody Likes Dias Sherman Tank
« Last Edit: February 16, 2013, 04:19:13 am by Isfahan »

montrith

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #18
Hey, I just had an AHHHA moment! If we take the sampling arm from the Stool monster cockyzer and combine it with the Microwave Bar-code Reader Portaxx doesn't have to come up with a new invention?

Where can I collect my money for this idea?

ham burger

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #19
Hey, I just had an AHHHA moment! If we take the sampling arm from the Stool monster cockyzer and combine it with the Microwave Bar-code Reader Portaxx doesn't have to come up with a new invention?

Where can I collect my money for this idea?
montrith, February 16, 2013, 11:44:19 am

well i mean this works up until the point that you decide to use the toilet while heating up dinner

Runic

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #20
The reason for so few collaborations must be because, as we have learned, pushing that button is so much damn work.  So my invention is a machine that will push the collaborate button for you, thus taking that onerous duty away from your fragile fingers.  You're welcome!

Chaz

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #21
And there's no ice. There's never ice. The military has lost the technology behind making ice. 10th Mountain Divison comes back from exercise and everyone crowds around them, saying "Did you see ice? Was it cold? Tell me what the ice was like!"Isfahan, February 16, 2013, 04:00:39 am

That's a shame, I was going to suggest a detachment of the mealitary dedicated to supplying drink ice. Wake Island Ice Cubes, anyone?

Isfahan

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #22
I'm pretty sure these Mealitary clowns are the sort of people that the inventors of those one-use ice cube trays had in mind as a target market.

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #23
Relistening to the episode at work: realized I forgot to comment on my favorite part, the dog dancing movie.

That totally could be a hit, too. I worked at a theater when Beverly Hills Chihuahua came out and that shit was PACKED.

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #24
Relistening to the episode just now, I realised you missed an opportunity with the "Nail Saloon" joke in the first part. Someone should've said "Gimme four fingers" or words to that effect.

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #25
Okay, so. Mealitary.

(cut for length and lack of ice)
Isfahan, February 16, 2013, 04:00:39 am

Okay, so basically what I'm getting here is that as soon as we figure out a way to polish cinder block to look like white marble, we're golden.

I'm really perplexed by that, to be honest.  The idea seems to be no-holds-barred all-expense restaurant in the shittiest setting possible, but they're not willing to spring for actual marble?  Be as absolutely ridiculous and extravagant as you want except when it comes to flooring, and then investors will go "Yeah, this guy has some business sense, he may want to give all of the cafeteria guys hoverboatcars for transportation, but he's savvy about the tiling."

I'm probably dating myself here, but I remember some site on Portal of Evil called "Jose's 27 Poops" or something similar (it's been a long time, the number of poops and the owner of them may not be accurate) and the stool-monster cockyzer guy would have fit right in there.  From what I recall, it was some kind of forum based on obsessive cataloging of shit.  The one anecdote that sticks out is a guy that had a freaking photo album of every shit he had taken for years, and when a doctor asked him about his bowel health, he eagerly whipped it out and showed her.  He only realized after the bleak, horrified silence that followed that "maybe it's not that common for people to keep poop diaries".

I remember this because I have no choice in the matter.  It does put me in mind of another too-creepy-for-the-F+ forum I found once, though...

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #26
Something that's a little unclear in terms of the outro: Is Matt Crowe the sole owner of AHHA, or did he come up with the website alongside those extra CEO's that helped him with finance and other areas?

Regardless, very funny episode though it did leave me wondering if any of the ideas on the site had a successful collaboration with other people in order for it to come into existence. I doubt any good working ideas have, but it would be interesting to know...

KingKalamari

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #27
Anyone else notice during the faked kidnapping pitch you can very faintly hear one of the ridiculists (STOG?) calling for help in the background? It was so faint I'm almost questioning if I heard it or not...

STOG

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #28
Anyone else notice during the faked kidnapping pitch you can very faintly hear one of the ridiculists (STOG?) calling for help in the background? It was so faint I'm almost questioning if I heard it or not...
KingKalamari, February 22, 2013, 07:59:35 pm

You heard right! You have good ears.

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Episode 94: I'm Really More Of An Idea Guy #29
Anyone else notice during the faked kidnapping pitch you can very faintly hear one of the ridiculists (STOG?) calling for help in the background? It was so faint I'm almost questioning if I heard it or not...
KingKalamari, February 22, 2013, 07:59:35 pm

You heard right! You have good ears.
STOG, February 23, 2013, 12:26:22 am

Way to take credit for my joke, Stog.

... unless...

were we BOTH doing that???