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Topic: Strategic deployment of innovative jargon concepts  (Read 18052 times)

jack chick

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Strategic deployment of innovative jargon concepts
I'm job searching so you all get to suffer with me. Basically - don't read this thread.

Do you have an aggressive-meets-approachable sales DNA and Web 2.0 media savvy?

Yeah that sounds like me! What will I be doing?

You’ll work with leading tech brands looking to leverage (COMPANY)'s innovative social business platform to take their marketing initiatives (and bottom line!) to the next level.

I uh, ok I still don't know what the company does. Could you help me understand?

(COMPANY), a (LOCATION)-based startup, is transforming how tech products (hardware, software, and IT services) are marketed and sold to over 2.2 million IT pros in small-and-medium-businesses around the world. Previously, marketing to this highly fragmented industry has been historically difficult, but (COMPANY) is blazing trails and creating unique opportunities to reach this coveted market.

A no would have sufficed. Anything else?

You’ll roll up your sleeves and work with our market intelligence team to understand your prospects’ business challenges, devise and pitch sale proposals that speak to their needs, and get them to say “yes.”

God fucking dammit.

advancedclass

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Do you have an aggressive-meets-approachable sales DNA and Web 2.0 media savvy?

Do they require you to submit some kind of doctor's note with your CV confirming the aggressiveness of your DNA re: sales? Because I hate when I need to incur special expenses to apply for a job.

Lemon

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So I have this thing I think other people will really like. It's kinda... orange? Like a yellowy orange, but I guess I wouldn't qualify it as orange. It lives in that realm, but it's something far more dynamic than that.

Can you sell my thing to other people? You'll be on the ground floor of something big!

Victor Laszlo

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A few things:
1:
aggressive-meets-approachable
That actually does sound like you.  You should go for it.

2:
Previously, marketing to this highly fragmented industry has been historically difficult
The only way this sentence wasn't written by someone who is a total failure at marketing is if they actually mean historically in the hyperbolic sense and not the temporal.  Either way I've changed my mind - you've never actually met the author of this but you've already spent just about enough time with him.

3: I am certain they provided a list of qualifications.  Jack Chick, what does it take to do this job?

4: [yayvictor]

TacoChillocko

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Would you still have to roll up your sleeves if you were wearing a short sleeved shirt?
Adler Sion

jack chick

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Hey Victor,

Thanks for your kind reply. My team has circled the wagons on your questions and formulated a project plan that should simplify things from your perspective. To address:

1) You are correct, and I'm fully qualified to do the job.

2) Doubly correct. The HR person who wrote this is used to writing engineering blurbs, and so it reads like one but hastily adjusted for the business side of the house.

3) You have to be a motivated self-starter who thrives in a team-environment, a hunter who is always looking for the close, something something entrepreneurial spirit, something else fast paced environment.

4) YAY

jack chick

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Another wonderful installment!

Develop and execute win/win negotiation strategies for large account contract renewals that maximize contract value while protecting and enhancing the customer relationship.

Upsell needless crap when contract expires.

Maximize account growth opportunities by playing an active role to identify upsell/cross-sell opportunities upon contract renewal.

Be redundant.

Excellent written, oral and interpersonal communication skills.

Notable because it's in the "responsibilities" section.


New posting - first up we have the first posting in desired skills & experience:

A four year degree with MS or MBA optional.

The single most important thing they list is optional. Perfect!

Ability to evaluate and develop the existing teams and reshape it as necessary while mentoring and inspiring the team.
Ability to work independently and in a strong team environment, and to deliver on detail as well as strategy.

Great job everyone. Hit the showers.

Serve as liaison between client and business while managing expectations on processes, creative development, and project milestones
Deliver data-driven monster cockysis and recommendations that align with campaign goals and quantify high-impact opportunities with clear recommendations
Casual and fun work environment

...

jack chick

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From my cover letter to this company I don't really care about:

With marketing becoming such a cluttered field bereft of new excitement, I feel COMPANY's combination of quality product, smart engineering, and visionary leadership will help bring the field into the new paradigm of brand awareness.

jack chick

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Krux was founded with the conviction that real-time consumer data, responsibly collected and managed, will soon oxygenate not just advertising, but also content, commerce, selling and marketing across the web

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooooooooooooooooou

SATAN MILKSHAKE

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We need to oxygenate our advertising because our marketing is getting hypertrophic and if we don't reboot our phosphates, our content and commerce tools are going to have an algal bloom.
Gyro

Lemon

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How many results do you get when you search for "making the word a better place"?

Follow up: How about "the next big thing"?

"blending virtual and physical"?

goombapolice

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Krux was founded with the conviction that real-time consumer data, responsibly collected and managed, will soon oxygenate not just advertising, but also content, commerce, selling and marketing across the web

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooooooooooooooooou
jack-chick, September 04, 2014, 04:12:16 pm


They're just saying words at this point.

jack chick

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Look who added me on LinkedIn! (confidential to Lemon, this is going to make you really, REALLY angry)

Lemon

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Damn it, I was hoping it was going to be Shingy.

jack chick

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Damn it, I was hoping it was going to be Shingy.
Skelemon, October 21, 2014, 11:22:06 am

In her education she studied 3 years under some dude about Reiki!