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Topic: 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets  (Read 13124 times)

count_actuala

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Mission Hill was too good for this world.
Is It Normal this Disgusting Giant Sherman Tank

Nyarai

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Love an opportunity to post this.

Bobalay Lemon Navigator Bobguinary Novel

montrith

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
There's a whole bunch of real vampire stuff out there, so we might see another episode in the future. Did you know they actually conducted a "scientific" survey among their kind?

Surprise surprise, survey says most real vampires are white Americans.

count_actuala

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
There's a whole bunch of real vampire stuff out there, so we might see another episode in the future. Did you know they actually conducted a "scientific" survey among their kind?

Surprise surprise, survey says most real vampires are white Americans.
montrith, January 03, 2015, 05:05:08 pm
To be fair I feel like that might be a sampling problem.

Isfahan

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
It becomes apparent during the vampires-in-the-military segment that the dude was imagining military service to be like Splinter Cell where you're left alone for long periods of time in dark locations where you can stalk and kill your prey. The only problem is that the vast, vast majority of meeting engagements in modern conflict take place during the day and at ranges of 50-300 meters. Not to mention all of your squadmates whom you're constantly around and who would notice that your mouth is constantly stained with blood and that shit wouldn't fly.

1. Quicker, stronger, naturally better killers
There are tons of jobs in the military, and very very few of them require you to kill with anything approaching regularity. When there is killing to be done, it's at rifle ranges (50-300m), which sort of nullifies the fantasy melee-combat in which a vampire is supposed to excel. As for being quicker and stronger, PT tests are used to measure and document fitness, and I don't think I've ever heard of someone who did supernaturally well on a PT test. You'd think someone who ran a two-mile in four minutes after 160 push-ups and 200 sit-ups would have rated an article in the Army Times or something.

2. Free and easy access to blood
This is not Wolfenstein and you're not at 1 health. Besides, you'd actually have terrible access to blood. See above for my comment re: rifle ranges. Also, when would you be alone with a corpse whose blood is fresh enough to feed on? Do you know how quickly a dead person's blood coagulates? Running to the spot where you just dropped a guy so you can feed is usually crazy dangerous and puts your squadmates in danger. You want a job with a lot of access to blood, become a fucking surgeon. It pays better too.

3. More aware of our surroundings to satisfy our deep-down killer instincts
In Kuwait it got up to 54C (130F) and the sun was goddamn unrelenting. It's terrible for even non-vampires under those conditions. Your hunter-of-the-night instincts aren't going to help you when sandstorms have turned the air an opaque orange and you have to cover your entire face to keep the wind from crusting your eyes shut. The military actually teaches situational awareness, and while some people are indeed naturally better at it than others, knowing what is and is not extraneous information while keeping your head on a swivel goes a lot farther than echolocation or whatever superpowers the person you happen to be asking has decided vampires have.

4. Will know where the enemy is before the enemy knows we are there
Again, I don't know what sort of scenarios this person was imagining but hunting for Taliban in mountainous eastern Afghanistan is not the same as swooping down on a big-titted college girl with a broken high heel in a dreary alley, which is something they probably imagined immediately after. In any case, there's an entire sub-discipline in the military devoted to letting fighters know where the enemy is, but hey, I guess drinking blood pretty much renders that unnecessary.

5. We are the best that they have for fighting for our country

Nope.

6. "Hi Isfahan"

I didn't want to disappoint.
AgentCoop Cyberventurer Baldr JamEngulfer Down10 John Toast GodOfCheevos

Blandest

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
But Isfahan, you are forgetting that vampires are pretty much imortal. Oh wait, shit.

Isfahan

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Well, according to the list of myths about vampires that's in the episode, there's really nothing to differentiate vampires from regular people.

Nikaer Drekin

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
That's probably the most baffling part of this whole thing. They so badly want both to be a vampire and for vampires to be real in the first place that they end up proving themselves wrong on both counts.

Blandest

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
Maybe they were sick of being proven wrong on all the things they couldn't do so they just made a set of abilities that they could actually live up to. That way nobody prove them wrong about being a vampire. It is just a shame that the vampire that they think they are ends up being just a human.

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
I applaud this site owner for addressing the importance of using sterile needles to draw blood from their (!WILLING!) donors. When drinking someone else's blood, it is paramount that you use new needles.

Vampires should search for local harm-reduction resources in their area. I'm sure they would be glad to help you protect yourself from blood-borne illnesses like HIV and Hepatitis, so that you may safely drink another person's blood.

crow

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
I like how these guys say that Psy Vamps have Renfield's and Porphyria while the guys who literally think they need blood and that the sunlight hurts them don't

Also, you would think that the real vampires would know more about vampire legends the world over, especially since they don't match up to the traditional Eastern European model, Chinese model or any traditional vampire

A Meat

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
I like how these guys say that Psy Vamps have Renfield's and Porphyria while the guys who literally think they need blood and that the sunlight hurts them don't

Also, you would think that the real vampires would know more about vampire legends the world over, especially since they don't match up to the traditional Eastern European model, Chinese model or any traditional vampire
Smoking Crow, January 05, 2015, 11:13:04 am

These people would probably say that Bram Stoker's Dracula isn't a real vampire either, because only they are.

Psammetichus

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
I would refer that would-be military vampire to perhaps consider joining ISIS? Lots of combat jobs, lots of close-quarters fighting, lots of blood. There's still that problem of the near-constant sunlight, though. Maybe consider opening an ISIS branch on the dark side of the moon?

edit: Here's a rediculously detailed Wikipedia chart about the characteristics of various vampires (e.g. trad. European vampires, the vampires in Varney the Vampire, Count Chocula, the vampires from Adventure Time, etc. etc. etc.)
« Last Edit: January 05, 2015, 02:39:51 pm by Psammetichus »

AgentCoop

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
I would refer that would-be military vampire to perhaps consider joining ISIS? Lots of combat jobs, lots of close-quarters fighting, lots of blood. There's still that problem of the near-constant sunlight, though. Maybe consider opening an ISIS branch on the dark side of the moon?

edit: Here's a rediculously detailed Wikipedia chart about the characteristics of various vampires (e.g. trad. European vampires, the vampires in Varney the Vampire, Count Chocula, the vampires from Adventure Time, etc. etc. etc.)
Psammetichus, January 05, 2015, 02:36:05 pm
too sunni
Cat Planet

Psammetichus

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Episode 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets
too sunni
AgentCoop, January 05, 2015, 02:50:05 pm

That's true. Also there's probably some bad blood between Muslims and vampires since the Turks killed Dracula and all, I now realize.