The internet has made it possible to obtain car parts that were once rare and exotic. Unfortunately, it’s also let me know about those parts in the first place, which is the whole problem. If I had been living in some kind of shithole in the 1980s, I’d be super happy when the local swap meet got in a hogged-out Holley. When Bob Double-Wide down the street figured out how to cut off a muffler? Heaven. Now, I’m not satisfied unless I’m making 1200 horse on the street, because anything less makes for a dangerous merge at highway speed.
Some people have tried to solve this problem by making the internet itself print the money that is required to buy exotic car parts. Unfortunately, finance people got involved, and now there is internet money that prints special internet money, which can be exchanged for an agreement in the future that you will pay a vague amount of internet money depending on the price of internet money. If I wanted to figure all that shit out, I’d be on Wall Street driving a Ferrari and doing cocaine shooters off perfectly sculpted ice cubes in the shape of my yacht at the same time. Hell, I’d probably own pants.
As for me, I solved the problem by getting off the beaten path. And then getting off that unbeaten path when some other assholes showed up to beat it right behind me. You get the idea. Chevies became Citroens became Alpines became specific trims and years of Chevrolets that were sold only in Eastern Canada between February 1983 and April 1984, due to a special agreement with the Crown Emir of Madeupdonia. That dream, the dream of owning something that is super cheap but also so unique that you can bore a home intruder to death just by explaining what it is that he or she is trying to steal, that’s what I chased. And the internet helped me there, as well.
Unfortunately for all of us, governments around the world have realized the radicalizing power of the internet. They’re moving to shut it all down, and force us into little corporate walled gardens, where we won’t know what a Holden Camira is ever again. That’s why I’m announcing my new internet service provider, American Motors Corporation Online. We’re going to only talk about the grossest AMCs we can find, ideally boosted with superchargers, where the NSA and Le NSA cannot find us. You’ve got wail.