"I'm going to kill everyone inside!" screamed the bank robber, firing his assault rifle out the window for effect.
"No! Don't do it. It won't help you."
"Help!?" screamed the bank robber. "What would help me now!?"
"Listen. I know you're a good person. The people inside with you are good people too. Nobody wants to lose here. Just name anything you want. Do you want to call your family? Do you want pizza? I can call right now and we can deliver some pizza."
The bank robber paused, holding his megaphone away from his mouth for just one second.
"Just say the word," said the sniper over the secure channel to the negotiator. "Just say the word, and I'll have him gone."
The bank robber rose the megaphone to his lips.
"I know who you are, BustyBalls236."
The crowd of cops gasped. The negotiator's face turned gray from terror.
"I know all about your ball-busting fanfiction. I saw your five-chapter My Little Pony/Transformers crossover, where a femboy Twilight Sparkle has his balls crushed under Optimus Prime's foot. Femboy!Twilight even asks the robot to make a robotic whirring noise while he does it. And I liked it. I even left a review on it on Fanfiction.net."
The negotiator almost fainted. But somehow, he found the courage to go on.
"That would make you MyBallsAreAPinata then."
"I think you know what I want. I know I am going to jail, BustyBalls236. I have fired an automatic weapon on federal premises, and I know I am going to be put into a high security prison for that. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to write some One Piece ball-busting fanfiction. I will not release the hostages until you do. And send some pizza over. I get hungry when I get horny."
The bank robber closed the window, activated the metal shutters on the windows.
"Shoot him," said the negotiator to the sniper.
"Fuck that," said the sniper. "You write fanfiction about ponies getting their balls squashed? I wanna see."
"Please," said the negotiator.