I spent a lot of time improvising this and pretty much nothing was dedicated to editing, so feedback would be appreciated. It's a long one...
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and a pirate with a steering wheel in his pants are all flying on a plane that has only two parachutes.
On the left, on either side of the pirate are the window and Hillary Clinton.
On the right, Donald Trump has an aisle seat, with the spot adjacent to the window vacant.
Donald Trump looks to the front of the plane explaining to everyone but none in particular that Clinton is so incontinent, that all airlines have banned her from window seats, as a courtesy to aisle seat passengers. He then criticizes the airline for having inoperable flight attendant buttons that cannot accommodate a rich and successful business man's frequent needs. Donald Trump further explains how unfair it is that a rich and successful business man using the flight attendant button to the point of breaking it isn't given one of the other passenger's buttons, even though they aren't using it, an offense he blames on Socialism.
Meanwhile, the pirate is napping and Hillary Clinton is Google searching "Where Can I Find Angry Birds Cheats." The pirate reminds Donald Trump of a dream in which he seduced a beautiful Jew broad during an island vacation.
Donald Trump ends a long rant about the unoccupied window seat stolen from him, potentially by a Mexican deported before he could board or a Muslim whose bomb had gone off too early, and the unfairness that his window seat was held hostage by a man who did not even occupy it.
He had forgotten that he had reserved a window seat, then the aisle seat adjacent so that no one would shame him for his frequent successful bathroom trips. He had tried to reserve the same window seat afterwards, believing it to be an injustice to endure the hardship of an aisle seat without the beautiful view the window provides, but was told that the seat was already claimed, and company policy prevented the disclosure of whom had reserved which seats. His imagined proper schlonging of the absent seat taker fades as he unbuckles himself and waddles toward the lavatory.
Donald Trump returns from the bathroom with a long trail of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe and begins writing hastily on the toilet paper, giggling occasionally.
After shouting "Hey gorgeous, the button's out," at a blonde woman a few rows up, Donald Trump becomes impatient and throws his left shoe at her.
She unbuckles her safety belt and stomps down the aisle toward Trump, brandishing the shoe like a weapon. Trump calls the woman a thief, but at least an honest thief for returning it. He promises not to press charges for possessing the shoe he threw at her so long as she retrieved an attendant. The woman hands Donald Trump his shoe and notices that his right foot is only covered by a sock. He guarantees the woman that bringing an attendant will yield a goldmine she can live off for years.
The blonde woman begrudgingly seeks a flight attendant for Donald Trump, eager to be rid of the man, but also humiliated and infuriated by the treatment.
The woman returns with an attendant. Donald Trump smiles and says, "Here you go, sweetheart."
The blonde woman storms back to her seat and sits down. Finally processing what she was given, the woman opens a crumpled mess to reveal a long sheet of toilet paper with a sentence written on it.
Donald Trump had already sent the attendant to bring him peanuts. He becomes unsettled when he realizes that that woman did not deserve a piece of toilet paper with the world's funniest joke on it, but relaxes slightly when he sees the approaching attendant and reminds himself that he, not the joke on the toilet paper, is the goldmine.
The blonde woman stares at the toilet paper bearing the inscription, "Polacks smell like farts," and massages her eyelids with her right thumb and index finger.
The attendant politely asks Mr. Trump what she can do for him.
Donald Trump belts out the word "peanuts," spraying chunks of partially chewed peanuts at the woman.
She returns, and Trump snatches the bag, dumping its contents in his lap. He places one peanut in his mouth, spits it at the attendant, then demands more peanuts.
After some time, Donald Trump's waist is completely obscured by a pile of peanuts. The attendant apologizes that she can not bring him anymore because he has dumped every bag in the plane on his lap.
Donald Trump repeatedly shouts at the woman that she is fired and that he would like like to speak to the manager.
Crying and unsure of the safety of all those aboard, the attendant rushes to the pilot and co-pilot.
The pilot calms her and tells her to wait with the co-pilot.
Mildly relieved to see the man in charge, Donald Trump tells the pilot to give him all the pin-fastened pilot's wings and to refer to him as Master Ultra Pilot Donald. The pilot complies, and tries to assess the situation. Donald Trump addresses him curtly:
"The airplane peanuts? What's up with that?"
The pilot's half-hearted chuckle drops as Donald Trump scowls.
After a lengthy and heated debate, the pilot could not convince Donald Trump that the choking hazard on the packaging did not refer to a free toy inside, nor were any of the crew hiding the last package of peanuts in the back room, nor did they secretly sneak the last package to Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton chimes in that the peanuts she was currently eating were from another flight, and that she had found them in her coat pocket.
Increasingly frustrated, Donald Trump asks for the real manager, explaining that the pilot isn't in charge if the co-pilot has to take over, meaning both men have to be present.
The pilot's observation that at least one person has to be in the cockpit to fly the plane was rejected by Trump, who had seen the movies and knew about the inflatable man with the tube in his belt.
The pilot promises to return with the co-pilot and the inflatable man, rushes back to the cockpit, locks the cabin door, and makes an emergency landing at the nearest airport.
Donald Trump takes a taxi to the the nearest hotel. He commandeers the front desk computer and frantically searches the internet for information on the following: airplane peanuts, airplanes are sky boats, how to put on shoes, Hillary Clinton bad, Hillary Clinton pirates, did pirates steal my free toy, Hillary Clinton steals toys, Hillary Clinton steering wheel pirate, Hillary, Beautiful Jew broad, pirates, Caribbean Vacation, Ethnic Hijacking, Polack Jokes, Gorgeous Jew Broad, gorgeous Jew Broad pirate dreams, can dreams predict the future.
Frantically trying to piece together the puzzle, Donald Trump only finds that the conspirators are one step ahead of him, redirecting most of his searches to dead ends.
Fearing for his safety, Donald Trump has an assistant bring his car to the hotel. Suspicious of the assistant driving the car, he pulls the man out of the driver's seat and speeds off, only to be stopped by a light a short distance off.
The assistant runs to the car and asks Donald Trump if everything is alright.
He pulls out chunks of hair with both hands, grips the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles whiten, and he growls:
"Argh, it's driving me nuts."