Yes, the Harry Potter fan fiction from like 15 years ago. This other podcast
has been covering it pretty much all month, and I've really gone nuts with it. The thing is, I only know two people who know about My Immortal
and can appreciate the comedic genius of my tributes to it. Since My Immortal is one of the original terrible things on the internet, I thought people here might enjoy them.
Romeo and Juliet, but it's My Immortal
SEEN I. Verona. A pubic place
Suddenly Samson and Girgory ran in. they wer wering blak MCr t-shits in da house Capulet colors and they both had lots of white foundation and eye liner n everythin (AN dey look lik mikey and ray frm mcr bcuz mcr fuckin rox!!!!11) . They had sowrds too and bucklers and the bucklers were painted blak and had paint lik blood comin down bcuz House Catapult is all goffs
"GERGERY we wont cairy coals." said SImpson in a depressed voice
den Simspn yelled "draw ur sword! spme fukin preps from da house mantagoo are comin"
but instead they nboth put up der middle finngers
suddenly 2 peopel came in. it was....................................................Abrham and balthr!!!!111
they were wering all there clothes from american eagle and abercrombei and the had the montag house shields with hilary duff and they had swords too (AN: evry1 in montagoo is prepz)
"do your put your middle finger up at us sir" said saod aram angrily
"i do put my middle finger ups sir" simson giggled
"do you put your middle finger at us sir" aid abram irritately
simpson whipered to gregry if he cud say yes but girgory said no so bart said "no i do't put my middle finger up at u sir but i put my middle finge up sir"
abrhm sid fuk off
samsan said "draw yur swords u fukkin preps111"
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, but it's My Immortal
Da boy who lived
AN: special 2 fangz 2 raven 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. MCR ROX!
Mr and mrs Durstley lived at numba 4 private drive in Longdon n dey were boring and when they were in skull (AN geddit coz im goffik XD) dey were preps and the had a fat son who was a prep named Dudly
miss Durstley dint want ne1 to kno she had a sister who waz goffik. her sister's name was Selene and she was not just goffik but also a vampire 2. she had blak hair down 2 her shoulders and always where leathr (AN: she bassicly lok lik kate bekinsdale in da movie underworld)
ne way (AN: geddit like gerard! MCR ROXX!!11) one day the durdslys woke up and had breakfast and wathed hillary duff (AN: i fukinn hate dat bitch) movie on da tV
den Mr. Durstd went 2 work at da anerican eagle in da mall coz he was da manger. he didnt notice there were all these owls in da sky bcoz he was inside
suddenly and old goffik man came in and he was waring black a cape and his hair was blak wif blue streaks in it. da man smiled hapilily and said "U NO WHO is gon! even muggles shoud b happy
"go away u stupd fuking prep" said Mr. Dusty angirly
dat nite when he went home he sat a cat in the yard but he forgot about it bcuz there was a backstreet boys concernt that night he was goin to
after da concdrt that durstleys wen thome and went to bed but the cat wuz still there. suddenly a man walked onto the street.. it was...Albert Dumblydore
He was wearign long pruple robes and a purple cloak all da way down to da ground and high heeled boots wif buckles on them and he had long whit hair and bred and he had glasses
"Fancy seeing you here" he said wisely
suddenly da cat turned ito professor McGoggle. "are all the tidings factual?" she said stiffly
"it is true. slene and gerard (AN: i named him after gerard way from mcr hes so fukin hott) r dead but Vlodemort couldnt kill the boy" dumblydore nodded sadly.
"surely we're not going to leave him here with these drudging nitwits" sed maggogle
we must. it's the only place he will be safe" said dumbledore
suddenly Hiargrid came in on his motorcycle. his radio was playing a gothic version of a song by 50 cent. n his arms he had a baby with a scar on his head. da baby didn't have teeth yet but they cud already tell he was a vampire coz bof his parents were, and Hargird gave him a little blood from a cut on his hand
Hargrid started to cry den and he said "I dnt wna leave him herre with these preps"
"stop crying you preposterous buffoon" said McGoggle
then dumblydum took the baby. "youll be safe here, Vampire Potter" he said in a calm voice
den put he the baby on the doorway wit a letter explaning everything n then he and mcoggle and hargrid wen tback da skull
Blood Meridian, but it's My Immortal
Chapter 1: give em hell kid
AN: i wuz gonna do da hole 1st chapta but i alreddy spnt way 2 mcuh tim on it so im juzt gonna dump what I have here n nvvr think abt it agin no mattah how meny god reviuws it gets lol. FUK U PREPS! MCR ROX!!!!111
See da child. Hes pale n skinny lik hes anorexxic even tho hes totally not lol. he weres a thin ripped up blak linin shit wif da HIM heartagram on it dat he had 2 draw himself coz him wsnt a band then. he stooks da skullery (AN: geddit cos im goffik) fire. out there is drak feeld wif snow lik rags n da woods even darker wif wovles in there. ppl think his famly just cuts wud n draw water but actully is dad is the princlpal at a school but his dad jut gets drunk n lays around qoting bands no1 rmembers ne more lik tori amus. da boy crowches by da fir n watches
Night of ur brith. da dad sed drunkly. 33. Da lionids dey wer called. da stars fell lik limpid tears n i loked for blakness, holes n da hevens. da dipper broke
da mom died 14 years ago cuz she got drpress nd slit hr rists n da dad never sez her name and da child dsnt know it. he has sister too but shes a prep and hell never see her again. he watch n hes pale lik he has white foundation on but his face is just like that n he needs a shower. he cant red or rite n he liks violence and u cud see all hitstry in his face, da child da dad of da man.
suddently wehn hes 14 he runs away. he wont see da freezin ktichnehous n da drk. da firwod nd washpots. he goes west as far as memfis n he walks alone lik in bulvrad of borken drems (AN billy joel armstrong is so hawt lol btu not as sexah as gerard lol I luv u gerard MCR ROX!!!!!11). blak ppl in da field, skinny n stooped wif fingers like spiders in da cotton (AN im not raceist ok but tits old times n dats how it wuz). a shadow agnogy n da gardn. dey move slow anganst da sun setting lik paper n 1 frarmer chase a donky n Haro down da land as it gits drak
1 yr l8r hes in st Lois n he gets on a boat goin 2 new orleans and hes on da river for 42 days and da seembots hoot n go past in balk water lik cities. in new orl dey sell da lumber n he wksa roudn nd ppl talk in luggages hes never herd bfor. he lives in a room a bove a cortyard behind a bar wif pastors of linkin park n MCR on his walls and at night he goes down to fite wif preps. Hes not big but his hands are and his shouldrs r set close but his face is like vale Volos bneath da scars n his eyes r innocent n dey all fight with fists n feet ns stuff. all races (AN c im nt racist) and men fighting sound like grrunting aples n he beats up men from all ovah da world n dey bleed in da mud.
suddenly a maltese prep shooted him in da back with a gun. N he sturns 2 hit da prep and da prep shoots him again n runs away n da kid leans against the bar wif blood running all down his favrite MCr shitr in everybody looks away coz Der posers and sacred of blood. After a while he sits on the floor.
He lies n a cot for 2 weeks n da guys wife to owns da bar takes care of him and brigs his food n carries out his
slops. shes ugly n looks like a man. by the time he gets better he has no money so he sneaks out at night and sleeps by da river until he finds a boat without too many preps. Da boat is going 2 texas.
now da child is finly didverstd of all he wuz. now were he comes from is as remto as were hes going n never agin in all da world's trunin will der b terrible so wild n nbrabrous 2 try weather da stuf of creatiounin mebe shoped 2 mans will or whatever. Da passengers r assholes n dey dont take to earhcother and he sleeps on da deck and hes lik a pilgrim wif other pilreins. Nd h watch da shore go up and down an gray birds gonking n pleicans fly over da gray water
They get off da boat with their lungage n lok at da coast n sand and pine trees lol.
My Immortal, but it's written by me
Author's Note: The main reason I've spent all this time having fun with My Immortal is because I'm procrastinating on a real novel I'm writing. So of course I had to do My Immortal in my own style, trying to hew as closely as possible to the original dialog and "plot" while treating it fairly seriously. This is chapters 1, 5 and 9 of My Immortal, and if you haven't read them recently, you'll probably enjoy this a lot more if you take a minute to re-familiarize yourself with them
Deputy Ebony Way opened her eyes just in time to see that her squad car was drifting off the road. She jerked the steering wheel to keep from tipping into the bar ditch, her head banging painfully off the window as the car fishtailed back onto the blacktop. She slammed the brakes and came to a stop right in the middle of FM 715.
“Jesus fuck,” she said aloud, her heart pounding. She yanked open the glove box, rummaged, grabbed bottles. Dry-swallowed three Advil, two bennies.
Two days now, no sleep. Sleep had been hard since she got back on the job after the review board cleared her, but this past week had been hell.
She gunned the engine, got moving again, drove toward the mirages shimmering on the road ahead. The brutal West Texas heat hammered down, the brightness outside making her head throb.
Her radio crackled and a voice came through the static. “Hey, Ebony.” Just what she needed right now: David fucking Malfoy.
“What do you want, lieutenant?”
“Aw, nothin’,” he said, “slow here in—”
More static cut over him. Ebony dialed into the frequency. The almost robotic voice of whats-his-face in dispatch saying, “All units, reports of shots fired 210 Longview Ave, please respond.”
210 Longview, was that the fucking Wingstop?
“All units,” said whats-his-face’s voice.
“Yeah,” Ebony said, “car 701, I’m on my way.” Dialed back the frequency, got Malfoy again. “Got something, LT, we’ll chat later.”
She banged a u-turn, sped back toward Midland with lights blazing and sirens blaring. White knuckles on the steering wheel; cold, sick dread settling in her gut.
[. . .]
Sheriff Albert Dore made Ebony and Malfoy follow him to his office.
“You goddamn fuckin' morons,” he said without looking back at them.
Ebony looked over at Malfoy, watched him try to avoid meeting her eyes. Chicken shit.
Ebony’s two favorite people on the planet were there in Dore’s office: Midland Mayor Mindy McGonagall and County Commissioner Steve Snape. Snape, who’d had a hard-on for the department as long as Ebony could remember, had this shit-eating grin on his face. McGonagall just looked calmly triumphant. Ebony used to know the mayor back when they were kids, Sunday school at Crestview Baptist. McGonagall had been a cunt back then, too.
“You gonna make me say it?” Sheriff Dore was saying to McGonagall and Snape. “Yes, two of my deputies were charged with public indecency. With each other.”
“Two of your deputies,” McGonagall said, “were fucking in a police vehicle in broad daylight.”
“You see why this is troubling,” Snape said, the sanctimonious prick getting this tone of indignation in his voice that Ebony hoped to shit the sheriff would see right through.
Malfoy, still stumbling drunk, yelled, “Because I love her!” then doubled over in paroxysms of laughter.
Snape sneered. “Get him out of here,” he said, glowering at the sheriff. “Deputy Way, too. Get them both out of here; you and me need to talk.”
Sheriff Dore, cowed, turned to Ebony and Malfoy. “Get out of here and don’t come back ’til somebody calls and tells you to. Consider yourselves suspended.”
“Suspended ’til when?” Malfoy said, not laughing anymore.
“’Til further fucking notice.” The sheriff pointed at the door. “Get the fuck out.”
Ebony walked fast. In her periphery she could see Malfoy hovering a short distance behind her like he was trying to get her attention, and she quickened her step even more.
He finally caught her when she pushed through the glass front doors and caught the blast of hot air off the parking lot. She slowed to fumble for her sunglasses and felt Malfoy’s hand on her shoulder, his voice gentle in her ear: “Are you okay, Ebony?”
She shrugged free of him. “Fuck off.”
That night, she lay in bed trying to sleep. She hadn’t meant to get drunk, but she was, which was why when her phone buzzed and she saw Malfoy’s name she didn’t ignore him like she should have.
What happened instead, she took the call and before she could even get out a hello, she heard Malfoy’s voice. Fucking singing.
“I just wanna live,” he belted out, and it took her a sec, but she realized it was some trash goddamn song she and him used to listen to back in high school, and just thinking about those days made her shake with laughter.
[. . .]
Ebony brushed away angry tears as she drove, thinking how it was her own fucking fault for getting involved with a fellow police in the first place, and with Malfoy of all people. She wondered where along the line she’d lost the last shreds of her self-respect.
She turned her unmarked into the darkened parking garage, and smiled in spite of herself realizing it was the same one where she and Malfoy had been caught having their backseat quickie. She drove to the top level, where there was only one other car: a black Escalade.
She got out and approached, hand on her service weapon — if this were a setup she knew she’d be fucked, but she meant to take as many of them down with her as she could. The Escalade’s door swung open and a hulking man in a suit stepped out, a sawed-off pointed right at her.
“That’s far enough,” he said in a heavily accented growl.
She stopped, put her hands up. “That barrel ain’t 18 inches, Vasily. I could run you in for that.”
Vasily just smiled. He walked over to her and patted her down for a wire, which of course she wasn’t wearing.
The rear door of the Escalade opened, and out came the man himself. He was dressed to the nines as always: sleek Armani suit, shoes that probably cost more than Ebony made in a month. The elegance of his clothes ran in sharp contrast to his ruined face: ridged and shiny with burn scars, his nose almost completely gone. Stan Volodimirov.
“I thought we were even,” Ebony said. Getting out from under Volodimirov had cost her five years and most of her soul.
“We are,” he said. It was always strange to hear such an ordinary voice come out of that face. “This is about something else. I have a task for you, Ms. Way.”
Ebony turned to go. “Forget it. I don’t run errands for gangsters anymore.”
“It’s not an errand. It’s a business proposition, a paid job. One you’re uniquely suited to.”
She stopped, turned back to face him. “How do you mean?”
Volodimirov snapped his fingers and one of his other lackeys, this skinny guy name of Konstantin, emerged from the Escalade with a bulky black case in his hand.
Ebony recognized it immediately. “Fuck no,” she said.
The scarred flesh of Volodimirov’s face tightened into the closest he could get to a smile. “I know you know how to use one of those. I’ve seen records of your military service: you completed sniper school. It’s a shame your Air Force never gave you the opportunity to use those skills. In my country, we know women often make better snipers than men.”
“I don’t work for you anymore, Stan,” she said. “I’m sure as shit not going to kill for you.”
“Five hundred,” Volodimirov said. “And you disappear. I’m talking new home, new life, new name, new face.”
Ebony flinched. “Jesus fuck.” He was fucking serious. For five hundred grand, he could get a pro hitter. “What is this, Stan? I’m not fuckin’ doing it, but I have to know. Who’s the target?”
Volodimirov didn’t blink. “Hank Potter.”
Ebony burst out laughing. “You want me to assassinate the fucking governor of Texas?”
“You’re going to.” Volodimirov waved to Konstantin and the man lugged the rifle in its case to Ebony’s car, tossed it into the back seat like it weighed nothing.
“Or what, you’ll kill me? You’re going to have to do better than that, Stan. You know what my life is. I don’t give a fuck.”
“Sure,” he said, calm and patient. “I’ll kill you, and I’ll kill Lieutenant Malfoy.”
Ebony worked to keep the shock off her face. “Why should I care? Go on, kill two police, see how that works out for you.” He couldn’t
know. The department had kept her and Malfoy’s…entanglement hushed up tight.
“You don’t have much of a poker face, Ms. Way,” Stan said. “I know what he is to you.”
Ebony’s throat constricted. “How?”
He shook his head, got this look of utter disdain on what remained of his face. “I know everything there is to know about you, Ebony. Now, you have a clean weapon and you have your orders. I will leave the logistics up to you, but you know what will happen to Malfoy if you don’t do your job.”
Before she could protest, he was back in the Escalade. His men piled in without a word and the three of them drove off, leaving Ebony alone in an empty parking garage with a lump in her throat and a sniper rifle in her car.