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Topic: Wanna see who's running for mayor?  (Read 11057 times)

Lemon

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Wanna see who's running for mayor?
I just scanned my sample ballot for the November 5th election for Mayor of Minneapolis so you can see everybody who's running! Click for larger view.



A couple things to note here.

  • Minneapolis has Instant Runoff voting for all city and county elections, so there are 35 candidates, and citizens are encouraged to pick their top three.
  • One of the reasons for the glut here is that current mayor announced he wouldn't run for another term, and the Democratic party declined to endorse a replacement.
  • The other reason for the glut is that getting on this ballot costs you $20. That's it. You don't need signatures, although if you gather 500 signatures, you can waive the $20 fee.
  • Our boy John Charles Wilson is back, of course. He's got a new site with a lot of dead zones BUT HOLY SHIT THIS BLOG POST
  • Captain Jack Sparrow is registered and he registered early. He unfortunately has no web presence that I could find, but City Pages was kind enough to provide the word with this photo of him
  • The vote might be split though, because Kurtis Hanna is running, and he's representing "The Pirate Party". He's opposed to surveillance, and government/corporate intrusion into the personal lives of the citizenry. So, it makes perfect sense that he wants you to connect with him on Facebook
  • But really, the best candidate on the ballot might be Jeff Wagner. Why do I say that? This is his campaign ad
  • The only republican running is named "Ole Savior". He will get less votes than Jeff Wagner

Goose Goose Honk At Me Now

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #1
There's a dude who's listed as "Bob 'Again' Carney Jr".

I want to know how someone gets a nickname like "Again".

jack chick

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #2
There's a dude who's listed as "Bob 'Again' Carney Jr".

I want to know how someone gets a nickname like "Again".
Cuddlegoose, October 06, 2013, 12:32:22 pm

By writing a 150 page transit reform manifesto! Here, let me link the first paragraph for you:

"The core of this book (chapters three through seven) lays out Phase RIGHT NOW! of a Transit
Revolution that I am proposing We the People, (aided and abetted by a community-organizing for-profit
business that I am leading) should demand be launched immediately, for, by, and in the City of
Minneapolis. I am campaigning for Transit Revolution both as a candidate for Mayor of Minneapolis,
and as the aforesaid business person -- starting a business to promote and deliver Transit Revolution. "

I am confident that he will operate without any sort of corruption, despite declaring how he wants to create a massive conflict of interest as his thesis. On page 4 he goes into a rant about Ranked Choice Voting. Page 5 he allies with Capn Jack Sparrow to decry wallstreet banking.

Lemon, this is a treasure trove!

Isfahan

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #3
Man, what is it about crazy people and running for public office? Connie Marshall tried running for mayor of Louisville.

montrith

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #4
Personally, I would give my vote to Mr. Abdul M. Rahaman aka "The Rock".  I mean, who doesn't agree with this?

Ideas for job/population growth: My concerns are about the arrangements that the money has with the people, specifically that the control that the banks have over the availability and value of the money.

Failing that, I think I would have to vote for Mr. Troy Benjegerdes, as so far he's the only one of the candidates that fulfills my demand of accepting Bitcoin donations.

If all the candidates for Minneapolis Mayor used public Bitcoin addresses for all campaign contributions, we’d automatically have instant transparency and accountability for money that comes in.

He would also like you to know that he has a Prius, and an electric tractor, and a Prius and wind turbines and a Prius.



By the way, Captain Jack Sparrow does have a website. It's very aptly named.

http://occupirate.blogspot.com/




Corn Syrup

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #5
Man, what is it about crazy people and running for public office? Connie Marshall tried running for mayor of Louisville.
Isfahan, October 06, 2013, 02:25:49 pm

My money's on raw, crazy passion. These people are blessed with a subtle sense of self importance and as Kumquat pointed out Basil Marceaux episode, "single-minded fixation".

Moriarty

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #6
By the way, Captain Jack Sparrow does have a website. It's very aptly named.

http://occupirate.blogspot.com/
montrith, October 06, 2013, 09:10:34 pm

A bit less apt now that he's been kicked out of Occupy Minneapolis.

I didn't even know it was possible to get kicked out of the Occupy movement.

Lemon

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #7
I didn't even know it was possible to get kicked out of the Occupy movement.
Moriarty, October 07, 2013, 12:52:55 am
If you look at it, Cpt. Sparrow is quite talented at getting kicked out groups you didn't think someone could get kicked out of. In this blog post (written by his campaign manager Chucky), he brags that he's been kicked out of Occupy Minneapolis, the Coalition Against Police Brutality, the Peace & Justice Coalition, the Free Mumia Committee, and the Pirate Party. I'm not sure why you would brag about this, but I guess it's evidence of a conspiracy against him.

The rest of the blog post gets even more insane as it talks about communes (SPOILER: Communism will end terrorism), sociobiology, and this fucking bombshell...
As far as transportation is concerned Sparrow has advocated car pools and community-owned vehicles.  More recently he now supports fellow Mayoral candidate Bob “Again” Carney, Jr's proposal for what Carney calls a Transit Revolution [disclosure: Carney is also Sparrow’s publicist.] “It is too detailed for a humble pirate to fully explain here, but I have looked at Carney’s plan for this and it is brilliant,”  Sparrow said.
I feel like Carney and Sparrow are trying to be corrupt politicians, but don't really have the hang of how it works yet.

But this is my favorite sentence from this whole piece...
And finally we need  to apologize to Iran for conspiring to depose the duly elected president and installing the Shah in 1952 {See Mohammad Mosaddegh) and for the horrendous way the shaw treated his people which resulted in torture, rape and murder on a massive scale.
Now you got the year wrong and you only spelled Shah right half of the time and you confused "Prime Minister" with Shah, but ignoring all that, I really love the idea that a pirate would be elected as mayor of an American city, and then immediately write...
Dear Ayatollah Khomani
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
That Morsey guy? That's Iran right?
Mr. Rouhani,
I was recently elected mayor of the 47th most populous city in America because I look like the homeless version of a fictional pirate from a Disney movie that came out ten years ago. Seeing as how it's my first day in office, I wanted to get down to the important stuff first, SO I want to tell you that I'm super duper sorry about that time sixty years ago when the United States government staged a coup to remove Iran's democratically elected leader. I know a whole bunch of people were murdered in the following years and it fostered a religious extremism and contempt for American policy that continues to this day and it seems to me the ducks have come home to roost. Do you guys have ducks over there? The tandoori chicken has come home to roost, let's go with that.
Anyway, sorry about that. I'll tell you, I was none to happy to learn about that happening, and had I been elected as mayor of Minneapolis back when they were considering that plan, I would have vetoed it. I guarantee it. The point is, as Shaggy would say: "It wasn't me." I love that taboolie stuff, what's it made out of? Cous cous? Anyway, please no more terrorism.

Sincerely,
General Jack Sparrow, Esq.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Runic chai tea latte jack chick Baldr

count_actuala

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #8
By the way, Captain Jack Sparrow does have a website. It's very aptly named.

http://occupirate.blogspot.com/
montrith, October 06, 2013, 09:10:34 pm

A bit less apt now that he's been kicked out of Occupy Minneapolis.

I didn't even know it was possible to get kicked out of the Occupy movement.
Moriarty, October 07, 2013, 12:52:55 am
He's a pirate, man, they don't roll with organizations.

Ansemaru

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #9
If she was dating me, her mother would probably have a apoplectic fit over some of my beliefs, since in addition to being a Communist, I believe that Laura Ingalls Wilder is God, age of consent laws should be abolished, societal taboos such as incest and cannibalism are foolish, cleanliness and health should be free choices rather than societal mandates, personal sovereignty is more important than happiness, and people shouldn’t have to be socially acceptable.

Can we talk about how John Charles Wilson wants to do away with the taboos on incest and cannibalism in addition to abolishing the age of consent? Can we?

Also my god, I still have fits of laughter at "Laura Ingalls Wilder is God". Even now. It's like a joke that will continue to be hilarious until the heat death of the universe.

chai tea latte

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #10
I just wanted to make sure nobody missed the Jeff Wagner campaign video, as it's easily my favourite thing about this so far.

Lemon

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #11
So I know what you're thinking, you watched that Jeff Wagner campaign ad and you were like "That's fine, but I'm disappointed that he was wearing clothes. Could I see a campaign ad where he's naked? Also what is his stance on getting laid?"

Jeff Wagner appreciates your concerns.

fluffy

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #12
Seattle's politics are kind of crazy too. Just like in the rest of the country, it comes down to conservative vs. liberal. In Seattle's case, that means democrat vs. socialist.

Well, aside from the occasional crazy Libertarian.

(For what it's worth, I already voted by mail and ended up voting mostly for the socialist candidates, because the nominally "democrat" ones are still pretty damn conservative, and their party platforms don't really seem all that different from republicans anyway.)

Anyway I guess we have nothing on Minneapolis.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2013, 11:49:51 pm by fluffy »

Lemon

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Wanna see who's running for mayor? #13
Because of the instant runoff voting, getting results from today's election is going to take some time (they don't predict to be able to crown a winner until tomorrow night), and I plan to post in here as the results trickle in.

But in the meantime one candidate we haven't talked about at all yet is Stephanie Woodruff. A DFL candidate, Stephanie is a 48 year old Cargill executive and a lesbian.

"Hey Lemon?" I hear you saying "That's all well and good, but is there video of her naked and COMPLETELY WRAPPED UP IN CLING FILM?

Yup. And there's banging club music besides.
Sham bam bamina! NutshellGulag Degen Novel from Upcountry
« Last Edit: November 05, 2013, 01:02:52 pm by Lemon »

chai tea latte

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What the heck is in your water supply down there?